Work Words! (the series)

I’ve decided that my next series however long it becomes…will be based on what I like to call Work-Words. Work-Words are all of those vague, often nonsensical and blatantly general words and phrases folks toss around in the workplace. I will examine them as they happen. I will try to include the phrase as it is most often spoken as well as my translation of the word or phrase.

To launch this examination into the mindless I thought I’d start at the beginning of my day. Picture it…it’s 8am (ok maybe closer to 10am…depends if win the fight with my bed…don’t act like you don’t do it to!) …I have breakfast in hand and I’m making my way towards my home away from home cube number 331…suddenly from various scalps and tops of heads and even some completely invisible people (think about it you’ll figure it out) come infamous first words, questions that they don’t really want nor care to be answered:

- “How’s THINGS?!” (translation: I’m speaking to you in case I ever need anything from you, but could really care less about you or your day cause I’m sure mine sucks more)
Or
- “How’s IT going?” (translation: I’m just being polite so please don’t launch in to a long story, just say “good” and keep it moving)
Or
- “What’s the good word?” (Translation: I’m hoping you aren’t a quick thinker and won’t be able to think of an appropriate response and just smile and say “good” and keep it moving)

Now here’s the help. Since these folks are using a greeting obviously lacking any sincerity. I’ve include some equally nonsensical responses that will leave them shaking their heads trying to figure out what just happened. I’ve included some for both the men and the women. I will be using some of these very soon to respond. Feel free to try these out on your own job:

“Things are things”
“It’s going a little bit to the left, but the doc said a little surgery and I’ll be back on track”
“What’s the good word? Grasshopper…what’s yours?”
“This day sure was a total waste of makeup”
“Do I look like a !@#$% people person?”
“I started out with nothing…still have most of it left”
“I pretend to work…they pretend to pay me”
“Whatever look you were going for this morning…you missed”
“I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”
“If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport!”

Have any other mindless, insincere, vague greetings you’ve heard? Have any responses ideas that you want to share? Leave a comment (click the word comment directly below this post) and I’ll post the best of them in an upcoming post!

$6 - 6 days DAY 6 Keep Soap alive

Looks like the best (or worst) has been saved for last yet again! My last dive into the pool of philanthropy, if you can call it that, was into the deep end. It had been 3 weeks and in that 3 weeks I still had my $6 in my pocket and hadn’t managed to give away a lousy $1. (ok for those of you who must be precise I only have $5 in my pocket because of the early on walk-by snatching) So for my last act of charity I decided that I would go for the guaranteed giveaway…

There are approximately 35,094 homeless individuals in NYC as of January 2008 as reported by the City Of New York and those are only the ones who can be counted at the various and growing number of shelters throughout the city. I can only imagine how many more there must be who never make it to a shelter, or get turned away at the door because there simply isn’t anymore room.

I think they should start including Port Authority in their census because I think I know where all the rest of the homeless go when the shelters are full…

In the early morning hours the lines for the bathroom are longer than the lines for the buses. While I do appreciate the effort, there is only so much you can get done at the sink in a bathroom the size of my cubicle at work (and it’s not a big cubicle) and one of those midget hotel soaps. (why DO they make the soap so damn small in hotels?)

So I decided that however insignificant I was going to make something happen with my $6 so I took a trip to the Rite Aid (that’s a drug store for those of you who may not be from around here) across the street and purchased 6 bars of their finest Irish Spring!

I worked my way through the crowd like a salmon swimming upstream (NYC residents are not the most polite or mannered folks at all times) and made my way to the bathroom. As I fully expected there were 3 gentlemen engaged in their morning ritual of transforming the bathroom into some kind of oddball day spa (complete with fountain because one of the stall toilets was clogged). So without pomp or circumstance I simply laid a bar of soap in front of each of them on the sink, left the 3 extras and smiled and took my leave.

Now I have no idea what the men thought, or what the reaction was so there is no funny story to tell or an ensuing adventure. Not a curse word or a question just one human giving to another human simply because. So know that the next time you pass a homeless man in NYC and he has that surprisingly fresh and clean as a whistle scent that my $6 did not go to waste on some frivolous purchase, but rather went to helping someone if even in a miniscule way.

This little experiment of mine has given me some new and interesting insights not least among them that suspicion and paranoia has grown to the point that we can no longer accept kindness for fear of the unknown always waiting for “the catch”. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing in this world we live in. I will leave that for you to decide for yourself.

$6 - 6 Days Day 5 - Sttranger

By popular demand this wonderfully insightful series shall conclude solely with strangers. Sorry family, but you were deemed too boring to participate (not my opinion…well…not totally).

Location: Times Square – NYC

Times Square – the official home of New Year’s Eve in the Western Hemisphere. The place where the ball drops! The home to Broadway with more singing and dancing per square foot than anyplace on Earth! The Crossroads of the World and generally a meeting place for every walk of life weirdo you can think of…from naked cowboys to the guy dressed strictly in toilet paper rolls. If it can be seen, you can probably find it in Times Square.

Most importantly, Times Square is the location of my next giveaway adventure. Things began as simply as they have in the past…the conversation went like this:

Me:”Excuse me sir, this is for you.”
Him: “What is this?”
Me: “It’s a dollar”
Him: “What’s it for?”
Me: “You can buy things with it here in America” (by the way…he was obviously American, but sometimes I can’t help myself but be a smart!@#)
Him: “Why do you want to give it to me?”
Me: “Why not you?” (the classic answer a question with a question when you don’t have a good answer)
Him: “Did I ask for a dollar?” (What’s with all the questions man!? Geez!)
Me: “No”
Him: “Did I drop it?”
Me: “No”
Him: “Where did it come from?” (at this point I debated telling him a story of how the mommy dollar meets the daddy dollar and then continue to explain the monetary birds and bees, but I held my tongue)
Me: “My pocket”
Him: “I do not want it” (at this point he begins walking a bit faster putting distance between us faster than Eliot Spitzer running from a brothel)
Me: “Sir please I want you to have this dollar. If you change your mind I’m right behind you”

So now I’m raising my voice in the street and have officially become one of Times Squares’ weirdos myself. Another dollar denied and I think I’m starting to form a rejection complex. They say all you need is a dollar and a dream. Apparently in NY you only need your dreams.

$6 - 6 days - Day 4 - Stranger

Sing along if you know the tune:

Strangers in the night, exchanging…curse words?!?

Well, I figured public transportation was so good to me last time…why buck the trend?

My destination – the NYC subway system
My subject – the first person that I find standing asking for a swipe

Now for those of you who aren’t from the NYC area “a swipe” is the $2 fare to ride the subway system that is on a card called a MetroCard that you swipe through a scanner to operate the turnstile. Now inevitably if you ride enough trains there will be someone who has fallen about $2 short of this $2 fare and now would like you to swipe them through on your card, or simply give them $2 just because they are standing there and asked. The approaches can be different. Some try the simple “Can I get a swipe?” Some try the more sophisticated approach “Perhaps you could allow me to pass through on your card?” as if good sentence structure alone is worth $2!

Well, as luck would have it I ran smack into one of these “transportationally challenged” (I’m introducing a new PC phrase right there) individuals. He was currently employing the straightforward approach and stuck with “”lemme get a swipe on ya card brother.” Not so much a question as a statement between two old friends. Being that I didn’t recognize him as anyone I knew, my first New Yorker instinct was to keep it moving past him. Then I remembered…I have a dollar to give anyhow. So this time my random act of charity was offered with the silent approach. I took out my dollar and handed it over. That’s when the real fun began…

“Thanks brother…God bless you!” was the initial reaction. Then my blessing quickly became a curse. Actually, it became several choice curse words.

“What the (F-bomb) is this (Male cow feces)?!?!” “What the (H-E-double hockey sticks) is this?...You tryna be funny?! It’s TWO dollars for the train…you’s a funny (not so nice African-American man)”

Then my automated New Yorker Aggressive Response System kicked in and I gave him a few “(people who have sex with other peoples mothers)” and a couple “you ungrateful (male child of a female dog)!”

Then I snatched my dollar back…yelled “catch the next one (female dog)!” and went on my way.

Ok, so I forgot about the experiment there for a second…it happens.

$6 - 6 days - Day 3 - Stranger

Well, day 3 and 4 have been insightful to say the least.

I have now been able to verify two facts:
1) The word “strangers” has STRANGE in it for a reason
2) The freaks actually DO come out at night

Stranger #1
Approx. 6:30pm – Port Authority Bus Terminal – NYC

For those of you not familiar with the NYC area…Port Authority (affectionately called ‘PA’ by the locals) is one of the 3 main public transportation hubs (excluding airports) that connect NYC to the world. In other words….it’s the bus station. More importantly it’s where I decided to commit my third random act of charity with my first stranger.

It was a dark and stormy night…OK it was still a little light out, but it was raining. I am on my way home on the dreaded 2 hour bus commute from PA that has come to define my existence. As my luck would usually have it I had the pleasure of having a rather full figured, or perhaps to be politically correct I should refer to her as “horizontally challenged”, older woman who chose to be my traveling partner.

I’d like to take a moment to thank God for being so good at what he does and not making me allergic to fake fur because this lady had on everything fake fur you can imagine. Fake fur coat, fake fur hat, fake fur gloves, fake fur covered boots. She looked like America’s Next Top Yeti (Bigfoot for those of you who don’t know his government name). Excuse me, I digress. SO, I decided to make the most of this unfortunate circumstance and include my furry companion in my little experiment. Once again, I opted for the short, sweet, and simple approach. “I love your outfit,” I lied. “Here’s a dollar for you.” Here’s where things got a bit uncomfortable….

She looked at the dollar…looked at me…looked at the dollar…and then in her very much outside voice said “what kind of woman do you think I am?!” “Do I look like I need your little dollar…this is fox!” (now I’m no fur expert, but her fox looked a lot like the rim of the hood of my Northface ski jacket and that ain’t fox). I now have the attention of all 54 other passengers on the bus so being the quick witted fellow that I’m not I stammered out a quick “Ok…so… give it back!” to which she replied “No...now I’m going to keep your dollar to teach you a lesson!”

And herein I think lies a lesson for us all. If you don’t want to spend two hours next to an angry Yeti and wake up from your bus nap with a mouth full of faux…excuse me…fox…fur keep your dollar in your pocket and your little experiments to yourself. I can’t wait for the next stranger…

$6 - 6 Days - Day 1 & Day 2 - Co-workers

Well the experiment is underway! The approach was subtle: "Here's a dollar for you." Short, simple, and to the point. For some reason this subdued approach set off a storm of questions. Apparently free money...is suspicious money.
"Is this a real dollar?" (FYI it cost more than $1 to counterfeit money...thats why most people only counterfeit $20's or better)
"Is this drug money?" (If it was drug money would I be giving it to you...)
"Do I have to take something off now?" (Don't project your stripper fantasies on me...go fill out an application)
"What do I do with this?" (it's a dollar...figure it out)

So after the first two days the results stand at 2 dollars offered...2 dollars given back. Well, one dollar given back. The second dollar upon being given back was grabbed by another passing co-worker who said, without slowing down, "If she doesn't want it..I'll take it!"

So the revised score is 2 dollars given...1 dollar given back...1 dollar stolen.

Next up...strangers!