ASK A GUERILLA!

During my daily hop around the Internet (on my own time and at home of course cause I am 100% dedicated to being focused at work) I stumbled across “Dear Abby” . For those of you not familiar, Abby (right) is an older woman that appears in newspaper columns and on websites to field the questions of millions of Americas who value her opinions and insight on varying topics. I was reading through some of these Q and A’s and realized that dear, sweet, old ass Abby is still answering questions like it was 1982 and her advice (in this humble blog’s opinion) bites. So we’ve decided: rather than sit around and have a gripe session about how wearing Depends in too small a size obviously alters your perception of reality (we’re not saying she’s old, she just has a …um…mature perspective) we will offer up our own advice that we feel may be a little more in touch with our reality and the current age that we live in. So we’ll give you Abby's advice…and then we’ll give you our own take on things.

Here is an actual Q&A from a Dear Abby column from Nov 17, 2008 as it appears on Uexpress.com

“DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter, "Romy," writes in a little journal that I bought her. She writes things like, "I love Blake," and "Me and Blake forever," and more. Can an 8-year-old really feel love for this boy? I always thought that girls her age didn't really care too much for boys. Am I making too much of this? -- CONCERNED MOM IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Little girls don't fall in love like adult women do, but they certainly can develop crushes on boys. I remember one I had on a boy named Jimmy when I was in kindergarten. I "fell in love" with him because he could swing around a pole straight-armed, and I thought he was a brilliant athlete. It was the first of many crushes. So please stop obsessing. You have nothing to worry about.”

GUERILLA ADVICE: Dear Concerned Mom, our upstairs neighbor is 10 years old and 3 months pregnant with twins and has made 4 separate trips to the Maury show to find out who her baby daddy is (ok…in fairness one of those trips was because she was dressing too sexy, but a little boot camp straightened that right out and she got pregnant wearing a full length skirt we are happy to report). Our downstairs neighbor has a 9 year old with an STD and a prescription drug addiction. Your daughter IS too young to know what love is, but she certainly knows what lust is if she is breathing air, or if you have a television that gets any channels 2-2000. Kids are mature far beyond their years these days. Don’t let their lack of years lull you into a lack of fears. Be very afraid! I would suggest practicing sleeping with one eye open because there is a much older pubescent boy sneaking in to your daughters room through the window (maybe even as we speak)! Immediately go to http://www.chastitybeltsforbabies.com/ and order yourself the super deluxe model cause you’ve succeeded in raising a trollop doomed for teen pregnancy and drug addiction, destined to be swinging around a pole (and it ain’t on Abby’s kindergarten playground!) Way to go mom!

If you have a question you would like answered by a Guerilla please send us your question to GuerillaMindfare@gmail.com (or leave them in a comment on this post) and we’ll be answering them here in the days to come. Thanks!

Shawshank Redemption (and you don't even need a rock hammer!)

As I sit here in my cube, (my own private open air cell that my job uses to seduce me in to thinking I have freedom while I am secretly held by the invisible chains of “Bills” and “debt”) in my cushiony seat, I can’t help but to think what I guess many of you have probably thought at your own jobs (cube or no cube) today and so many days past…how the heck can I get out of here before losing what little mind I have left?! Well as I secretly and silently stage my own private labor protest I have come up with my top favorite excuses, as well as things you can do, to make an early escape from your voluntary slavery.

9 Things To Say:

9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. "I have to go feed my stuffed deer head"
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”


6 Things to Do:

6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don't want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else

Work Words! (the series)

I’ve decided that my next series however long it becomes…will be based on what I like to call Work-Words. Work-Words are all of those vague, often nonsensical and blatantly general words and phrases folks toss around in the workplace. I will examine them as they happen. I will try to include the phrase as it is most often spoken as well as my translation of the word or phrase.

To launch this examination into the mindless I thought I’d start at the beginning of my day. Picture it…it’s 8am (ok maybe closer to 10am…depends if win the fight with my bed…don’t act like you don’t do it to!) …I have breakfast in hand and I’m making my way towards my home away from home cube number 331…suddenly from various scalps and tops of heads and even some completely invisible people (think about it you’ll figure it out) come infamous first words, questions that they don’t really want nor care to be answered:

- “How’s THINGS?!” (translation: I’m speaking to you in case I ever need anything from you, but could really care less about you or your day cause I’m sure mine sucks more)
Or
- “How’s IT going?” (translation: I’m just being polite so please don’t launch in to a long story, just say “good” and keep it moving)
Or
- “What’s the good word?” (Translation: I’m hoping you aren’t a quick thinker and won’t be able to think of an appropriate response and just smile and say “good” and keep it moving)

Now here’s the help. Since these folks are using a greeting obviously lacking any sincerity. I’ve include some equally nonsensical responses that will leave them shaking their heads trying to figure out what just happened. I’ve included some for both the men and the women. I will be using some of these very soon to respond. Feel free to try these out on your own job:

“Things are things”
“It’s going a little bit to the left, but the doc said a little surgery and I’ll be back on track”
“What’s the good word? Grasshopper…what’s yours?”
“This day sure was a total waste of makeup”
“Do I look like a !@#$% people person?”
“I started out with nothing…still have most of it left”
“I pretend to work…they pretend to pay me”
“Whatever look you were going for this morning…you missed”
“I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”
“If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport!”

Have any other mindless, insincere, vague greetings you’ve heard? Have any responses ideas that you want to share? Leave a comment (click the word comment directly below this post) and I’ll post the best of them in an upcoming post!