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Truth Is Stranger...

The internet, the world’s dumping ground of knowledge both useful and useless. Full of everything from scientific studies to the latest Dilbert strip. Both the useful and useless can be given equal time and space with a freedom unseen before DARPA got lazy (don’t know where the internet came from? Google it! You’re on it everyday…learn something about it). On our jaunt this week we came upon some weird (but completely true) news. We’ve compiled our top 5 here for your entertainment…and of course with some Guerilla commentary thrown in for good measure!

However, in September, a federal jury in Baltimore rejected the claim by a 64-year-old West Virginia man that a Frederick, Md., surgeon had stapled his rectum shut during an operation. The jury accepted the doctor's explanation that it was the man's longtime, heavy smoking that caused his rectum to become swollen and shut for 17 days. [Daily Record (Baltimore), 9-29-08]

Guerilla: Now that’s $h!tty…17 days! We bet he wishes he hadn’t had that Taco Bell on day 2! Now for you smoker’s…let this be fair warning: stop now or suffer a swollen colon! You’ve been warned!

Officer Keith Breiner, suspended from the police force in Beaumont, Texas, for crossing the line during an undercover prostitution sting (that is, he actually had sex), defended himself in an August hearing: "It was a job, sir. I didn't have pleasure doing it." It was, he said, "something I did for the city." [Beaumont Enterprise, 8-21-08]

Guerilla: All we get are spreadsheets that look like a 2-year-old’s art project that he colored with his eyes closed, in the dark, during an eclipse…some guys have all the luck (or we filled out the wrong applications)!

Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek, 29, has developed jewelry consisting of tiny crystals or flowers that hang directly from the eye via micro-thin medical wire attached to either prescription or blank contact lenses and, in the light, give the appearance of tears streaming down the cheek. He expects to hit the market soon, according to an October report in London's Daily Mail, at a price of the equivalent of around $325. Though the adornments appear to be painful or dangerous, Klarenbeek said users of his prototypes so far have been "amazed" at their comfort. [Daily Mail, 10-3-08]


Guerilla: We cry enough real tears watching our stock prices fall and our 401k’s dry up not to mention the constant rejection from the new hottie in the mailroom that keeps telling us to “put a ring on it” (damn you Beyonce if your legs weren’t so long and …we digress). Point is we don’t need to fake it…

Jocelyn Wildenstein has reportedly spent $4,000,000 (£2,000,000) on cosmetic surgery over the years. If proof were needed that money can't buy everything, look no further.
Rich divorcee Jocelyn Wildenstein spent a rumored £2million on cosmetic surgery to keep her husband, but succeeded only in ruining the good looks she was born with.
. [Daily Mail, 02-20-08]

Guerilla: See the picture at the top. Need we say more? No? Well we will anyway…a quick three things you could have spent $2,000,000 on instead of making yourself look like the stunt double for the beast from Beauty and The Beast (where obviously some of the stunts went wrong):
1. 1,990,000 McDonald’s Cheeseburgers from the Dollar menu to feed your entire neighborhood at Thanksgiving
2. Both dugouts, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, home base, and 2,128 seats from the old Shea Stadium
3. 666,667 cans of coke from our office vending machine and 1,000,000 packets of Pop Rocks from a dollar store to test the urban myth and see if you can make your stomach explode

Akira Hino, 51, was arrested in Tokyo in September and charged with stealing a woman's underpants, using a fishing rod to reach a laundry pole on an apartment balcony. Police found more than 500 women's undies in his apartment. [Agence France-Presse, 9-30-08]

Guerilla: And to think we have been spending good money on dinners, movies, etc to build our collection when all we really needed was a quick trip to the fishin’ store…hindsight is 20/20 and all that though I guess…

ASK A GUERILLA!

During my daily hop around the Internet (on my own time and at home of course cause I am 100% dedicated to being focused at work) I stumbled across “Dear Abby” . For those of you not familiar, Abby (right) is an older woman that appears in newspaper columns and on websites to field the questions of millions of Americas who value her opinions and insight on varying topics. I was reading through some of these Q and A’s and realized that dear, sweet, old ass Abby is still answering questions like it was 1982 and her advice (in this humble blog’s opinion) bites. So we’ve decided: rather than sit around and have a gripe session about how wearing Depends in too small a size obviously alters your perception of reality (we’re not saying she’s old, she just has a …um…mature perspective) we will offer up our own advice that we feel may be a little more in touch with our reality and the current age that we live in. So we’ll give you Abby's advice…and then we’ll give you our own take on things.

Here is an actual Q&A from a Dear Abby column from Nov 17, 2008 as it appears on Uexpress.com

“DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter, "Romy," writes in a little journal that I bought her. She writes things like, "I love Blake," and "Me and Blake forever," and more. Can an 8-year-old really feel love for this boy? I always thought that girls her age didn't really care too much for boys. Am I making too much of this? -- CONCERNED MOM IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Little girls don't fall in love like adult women do, but they certainly can develop crushes on boys. I remember one I had on a boy named Jimmy when I was in kindergarten. I "fell in love" with him because he could swing around a pole straight-armed, and I thought he was a brilliant athlete. It was the first of many crushes. So please stop obsessing. You have nothing to worry about.”

GUERILLA ADVICE: Dear Concerned Mom, our upstairs neighbor is 10 years old and 3 months pregnant with twins and has made 4 separate trips to the Maury show to find out who her baby daddy is (ok…in fairness one of those trips was because she was dressing too sexy, but a little boot camp straightened that right out and she got pregnant wearing a full length skirt we are happy to report). Our downstairs neighbor has a 9 year old with an STD and a prescription drug addiction. Your daughter IS too young to know what love is, but she certainly knows what lust is if she is breathing air, or if you have a television that gets any channels 2-2000. Kids are mature far beyond their years these days. Don’t let their lack of years lull you into a lack of fears. Be very afraid! I would suggest practicing sleeping with one eye open because there is a much older pubescent boy sneaking in to your daughters room through the window (maybe even as we speak)! Immediately go to http://www.chastitybeltsforbabies.com/ and order yourself the super deluxe model cause you’ve succeeded in raising a trollop doomed for teen pregnancy and drug addiction, destined to be swinging around a pole (and it ain’t on Abby’s kindergarten playground!) Way to go mom!

If you have a question you would like answered by a Guerilla please send us your question to GuerillaMindfare@gmail.com (or leave them in a comment on this post) and we’ll be answering them here in the days to come. Thanks!

Shawshank Redemption (and you don't even need a rock hammer!)

As I sit here in my cube, (my own private open air cell that my job uses to seduce me in to thinking I have freedom while I am secretly held by the invisible chains of “Bills” and “debt”) in my cushiony seat, I can’t help but to think what I guess many of you have probably thought at your own jobs (cube or no cube) today and so many days past…how the heck can I get out of here before losing what little mind I have left?! Well as I secretly and silently stage my own private labor protest I have come up with my top favorite excuses, as well as things you can do, to make an early escape from your voluntary slavery.

9 Things To Say:

9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. "I have to go feed my stuffed deer head"
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”


6 Things to Do:

6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don't want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else

It's Your Money...Keep It!!

These are some crazy days we are living in. Wars and rumors of wars…stock market crashes and rumors of crashes…and what ever happened to the Tellytubbies?

I have once again been working my frugal (cheap) brain and have come up with a short list of 6 things we may all want to try in order to stretch our dollar just a bit further during this economic crunch time. I do have to warn you that some of these tips I haven’t actually tried yet so if you decide to try them you do so at your own risk. It might not work for you, but the fun is in the trying!

1) When your using your soap and it gets to that point where it becomes the “itty-bitty soap” don’t throw it away! Save those itty bitty soaps and when you have two or three collected melt them down on your stovetop and shape them into a new bigger bar of soap! Practical and artsy!

2) Condiment lover? Find somewhere that has those neat ketchup/mustard/whatever sauce pumps and take your empty bottles over there and fill’er up! (if its for free...it’s for me!)

3) Speaking of condoms…for those of you using them (judging by all the new baby announcements this wont help the majority of you) rinse those bad boys out and reuse them! Then you can send out your own announcement next month.

4) Find religion! Did anyone know they serve a free snack at most Christian churches at least once a month?! For best results find the ones that use real wine! Take two, and put one in your handy pocket flask! After a few of these trips you can have a little wine with dinner EVERY night!

5) Wash your car with the squeegee at the gas station! It works so well on your windows how bad could it work on the rest of your car. For faster results…bring the whole family along! Many hands make light work!

6) Unplug your alarm clock, r better yet all of your clocks when you’re sleeping! You’re unconscious anyway you can’t see it through closed eyes! Warning: may cause unemployment, but think of the savings!!

God Bless America (cause we sure do need it)

I thought I could stay away from addressing politics on my blog, but in the interest of humor Sarah Palin has made it almost impossible for me to avoid the obvious and easy.

Now I won’t bore you by taking easy jabs at all of the silly nonsensical interviews she’s had, but I will take a moment on my soapbox to say this…

Many have criticized Obama’s lack of “experience” and so now I ask: which is more important to America…quantity of time served, or quality of time served? Educate yourself (watch the Sarah Palin interviews with Katie Couric including the joint McCain-Palin interview at CBSnews.com) and form your own opinion.

In the meantime I was able to engage my network, rub a few elbows, and got some one-on-one time for an exclusive Guerilla Mindfare interview with the Republican VP nominee herself. You readers wanted some very specific questions answered and here’s what she had to say:

Guerilla: Thank you for spending a few minutes with us today, we know you have a busy schedule and we have just a few questions and we’ll let you get back to it.

Palin: Thank you for that welcoming welcome and yes I am a busy little bee, or perhaps I should say beaver but it doesn’t much matter because they both start with “B” which everyone knows comes after “A” and is always at the beginning.

Guerilla: ummmm….yeah…so…let’s start easy with a nice getting-to-know-you question our readers would like to know. Do you like hamburgers?

Palin: Well...I certainly do love French fries....and in America that’s something that we have to make sure we are focused on

Guerilla: But do you like hamburgers?

Palin: Have you ever met an Eskimo? They love hamburgers and French fries…even if they’re cold…the fries not the Eskimos

Guerilla: Not to beat a dead horse, or a cow in this case, but do you like hamburgers as in do you like to eat them?

Palin: I love putting things in my mouth and as you know from past presidencies that can be a very important aspect to whether you are viewed as a good one or a bad one

Guerilla: ok let’s move to the next question. How will you represent for women if you become Vice President?

Palin: This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating, but what I will do for women is I will let them represent themselves. Women are strong people they don’t need me to represent them. So they can be beautiful and well represented and we will gladly take the credit for their success.

Guerilla: that sounds a bit fishy Governor…

Palin: Let me stop you right there…I believe man and fish can live together peacefully. This is America. Home of the Cowboys and Indians

Guerilla: I think they prefer Native Americans Governor

Palin: Yes…excuse me…Native Americans and Indians…

Guerilla: ….


Keep checking back for part two of our interview with Gov Sarah Palin when we really dig in to the major issues…and be sure to tune in to the Vice Presidential debates tonight at 9PM EST. It’s bound to be entertaining if nothing else…

(the preceeding was a parody not a real interview...just in case the men in black come a lookin for me)

IT'S A DATE!!

I was talking to a friend today who was telling me about her hesitation about going on a first date. Not just any first date…a blind first date. Now for the anti-social amongst us - this does not mean that her date wears dark sunglasses and uses a cane or a Seeing Eye dog to get around. A blind date is a first date with someone that you have never met or interacted with before the date. Usually it’s someone else a “friend” who will call you and exclaim joyfully “I met the perfect guy/girl for you!” has found. Now traditionally in my experience this person is far from perfect for ME, but is most often perfect for the person who fixed you up, but that’s another blog for another day….

So I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with some information that someone may find helpful. My personal short lists of Do’s and Don’ts for the ladies and the fellas on a first date, blind or otherwise taken directly from my personal experience (meaning my personal male point-of-view). So some of these may not apply to you, but I think they are general enough that they probably hold true for most. As always if you have any suggestions/opinions to add let me know (use the comment link directly below the entry…I mean you’re here you might as well lazy). Keep in mind I am an American so if you’re not in America your culture may have a different set of rules, but I don’t date there so get your own blog… : - )

Guy Do’s

1) Be polite (it was a good meal but she wont appreciate it like grandma does when you let out that loud burp and pick your teeth with your fingernail)
2) Be a gentleman (contrary to what seems to be popular belief among the younger generations holding a door for a woman wont compromise your sexuality)
3) Be attentive (I understand Applebee’s puts the football game on during your date, but if you want a second one make more eye contact with her than you do with Brett Favre)
4) Talk less…listen more (odds are she likes to talk once you get her going and pay attention! Actually remembering something she says will go a long way later on)
5) Bathe (if you need me to elaborate on this one…click the “X” in the top right corner…turn off your computer…and be very afraid cause your hope is all but lost)
6) Have an interest/opinion on something non-sports/video game related (there’s more to life than Sportscenter and Xbox360)

Guy Don’ts

1) Don’t share with her your allergy to water (the obvious next question is how did you shower?), sheep saliva (this is irrelevant unless your first date is at a petting zoo), or anything else that my come across as “weird”. You want her to be comfortable. Leave some mystery for the 2nd date.
2) Don’t make your first date at a petting zoo
3) Don’t continuously stare at your thumb and mumble “I bet it will fit…I just gotta get her to hold still”
4) Don’t ask her how much she paid for (or where she bought) any of the following:
-hair
-eyes
-nose
-boobs
-etc… (you get the picture here…if she bought it…its hers)


5) Yes, the waitress is VERY cute, but she’s not your date…focus man! (do your sightseeing on your own time)
6) If it itches don’t scratch it (excuse yourself to the bathroom dummy)

Ladies Do’s

1) Have any opinion/interests (if we wanted to talk to ourselves we could have done that at home with the Xbox)
2) Have an interest in something other than your shoes, your hair, and which celebrity is dating which (we really don’t care who Paris Hiltons new BFF is)
3) Offer to help with the check (we’re not going to let you, but it’s nice to know you CAN if you have to. Let us know you aren’t just a tag-a-long goldigger)
4) Allow us to be gentleman (pause at the door…give us a chance to do it right….or wrong)
5) Don’t assume a bad time as soon as you see us (I don’t have proof, but I know you ladies do this! Give us a chance to make it a bad time)
6) Let us know if you think you could be falling in love with us and think we would have the most beautiful children together (this is a “do” because we need to know if you are a psycho nut …the sooner the better…)

Ladies Don’ts

1) Keep us waiting forever (we understand your need to make an entrance, but take too long and we’ll be at Applebee’s watching the football game with the cute waitress)
2) Drink like a fish/Eat like a lumberjack (at least PRETEND your interested in something other than the free food and drink)
3) Don’t assume he likes the taste of your hair as much as you do. (if you need to restyle, comb, brush, etc.. take it to the bathroom we don’t want it in our plate)
4) If it itches please don’t scratch it in front of us (wherever we are probably has a bathroom..take your meds BEFORE you come out)
5) Don’t at anytime utter the phrase “ my -ex boyfriends name here- use to do the same thing, wear the same thing, smell the same way, etc…if he was so great what are you doing here?)
6) Make us think we are going to be in a threesome with you and your text messaging (Carla/Debbie/Susan/whomever’s life isn’t REALLY gonna fall apart in the hour or two that we’re out…you can text and call all you want after we’re gone)