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Truth Is Stranger...

The internet, the world’s dumping ground of knowledge both useful and useless. Full of everything from scientific studies to the latest Dilbert strip. Both the useful and useless can be given equal time and space with a freedom unseen before DARPA got lazy (don’t know where the internet came from? Google it! You’re on it everyday…learn something about it). On our jaunt this week we came upon some weird (but completely true) news. We’ve compiled our top 5 here for your entertainment…and of course with some Guerilla commentary thrown in for good measure!

However, in September, a federal jury in Baltimore rejected the claim by a 64-year-old West Virginia man that a Frederick, Md., surgeon had stapled his rectum shut during an operation. The jury accepted the doctor's explanation that it was the man's longtime, heavy smoking that caused his rectum to become swollen and shut for 17 days. [Daily Record (Baltimore), 9-29-08]

Guerilla: Now that’s $h!tty…17 days! We bet he wishes he hadn’t had that Taco Bell on day 2! Now for you smoker’s…let this be fair warning: stop now or suffer a swollen colon! You’ve been warned!

Officer Keith Breiner, suspended from the police force in Beaumont, Texas, for crossing the line during an undercover prostitution sting (that is, he actually had sex), defended himself in an August hearing: "It was a job, sir. I didn't have pleasure doing it." It was, he said, "something I did for the city." [Beaumont Enterprise, 8-21-08]

Guerilla: All we get are spreadsheets that look like a 2-year-old’s art project that he colored with his eyes closed, in the dark, during an eclipse…some guys have all the luck (or we filled out the wrong applications)!

Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek, 29, has developed jewelry consisting of tiny crystals or flowers that hang directly from the eye via micro-thin medical wire attached to either prescription or blank contact lenses and, in the light, give the appearance of tears streaming down the cheek. He expects to hit the market soon, according to an October report in London's Daily Mail, at a price of the equivalent of around $325. Though the adornments appear to be painful or dangerous, Klarenbeek said users of his prototypes so far have been "amazed" at their comfort. [Daily Mail, 10-3-08]


Guerilla: We cry enough real tears watching our stock prices fall and our 401k’s dry up not to mention the constant rejection from the new hottie in the mailroom that keeps telling us to “put a ring on it” (damn you Beyonce if your legs weren’t so long and …we digress). Point is we don’t need to fake it…

Jocelyn Wildenstein has reportedly spent $4,000,000 (£2,000,000) on cosmetic surgery over the years. If proof were needed that money can't buy everything, look no further.
Rich divorcee Jocelyn Wildenstein spent a rumored £2million on cosmetic surgery to keep her husband, but succeeded only in ruining the good looks she was born with.
. [Daily Mail, 02-20-08]

Guerilla: See the picture at the top. Need we say more? No? Well we will anyway…a quick three things you could have spent $2,000,000 on instead of making yourself look like the stunt double for the beast from Beauty and The Beast (where obviously some of the stunts went wrong):
1. 1,990,000 McDonald’s Cheeseburgers from the Dollar menu to feed your entire neighborhood at Thanksgiving
2. Both dugouts, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, home base, and 2,128 seats from the old Shea Stadium
3. 666,667 cans of coke from our office vending machine and 1,000,000 packets of Pop Rocks from a dollar store to test the urban myth and see if you can make your stomach explode

Akira Hino, 51, was arrested in Tokyo in September and charged with stealing a woman's underpants, using a fishing rod to reach a laundry pole on an apartment balcony. Police found more than 500 women's undies in his apartment. [Agence France-Presse, 9-30-08]

Guerilla: And to think we have been spending good money on dinners, movies, etc to build our collection when all we really needed was a quick trip to the fishin’ store…hindsight is 20/20 and all that though I guess…

ASK A GUERILLA!

During my daily hop around the Internet (on my own time and at home of course cause I am 100% dedicated to being focused at work) I stumbled across “Dear Abby” . For those of you not familiar, Abby (right) is an older woman that appears in newspaper columns and on websites to field the questions of millions of Americas who value her opinions and insight on varying topics. I was reading through some of these Q and A’s and realized that dear, sweet, old ass Abby is still answering questions like it was 1982 and her advice (in this humble blog’s opinion) bites. So we’ve decided: rather than sit around and have a gripe session about how wearing Depends in too small a size obviously alters your perception of reality (we’re not saying she’s old, she just has a …um…mature perspective) we will offer up our own advice that we feel may be a little more in touch with our reality and the current age that we live in. So we’ll give you Abby's advice…and then we’ll give you our own take on things.

Here is an actual Q&A from a Dear Abby column from Nov 17, 2008 as it appears on Uexpress.com

“DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter, "Romy," writes in a little journal that I bought her. She writes things like, "I love Blake," and "Me and Blake forever," and more. Can an 8-year-old really feel love for this boy? I always thought that girls her age didn't really care too much for boys. Am I making too much of this? -- CONCERNED MOM IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Little girls don't fall in love like adult women do, but they certainly can develop crushes on boys. I remember one I had on a boy named Jimmy when I was in kindergarten. I "fell in love" with him because he could swing around a pole straight-armed, and I thought he was a brilliant athlete. It was the first of many crushes. So please stop obsessing. You have nothing to worry about.”

GUERILLA ADVICE: Dear Concerned Mom, our upstairs neighbor is 10 years old and 3 months pregnant with twins and has made 4 separate trips to the Maury show to find out who her baby daddy is (ok…in fairness one of those trips was because she was dressing too sexy, but a little boot camp straightened that right out and she got pregnant wearing a full length skirt we are happy to report). Our downstairs neighbor has a 9 year old with an STD and a prescription drug addiction. Your daughter IS too young to know what love is, but she certainly knows what lust is if she is breathing air, or if you have a television that gets any channels 2-2000. Kids are mature far beyond their years these days. Don’t let their lack of years lull you into a lack of fears. Be very afraid! I would suggest practicing sleeping with one eye open because there is a much older pubescent boy sneaking in to your daughters room through the window (maybe even as we speak)! Immediately go to http://www.chastitybeltsforbabies.com/ and order yourself the super deluxe model cause you’ve succeeded in raising a trollop doomed for teen pregnancy and drug addiction, destined to be swinging around a pole (and it ain’t on Abby’s kindergarten playground!) Way to go mom!

If you have a question you would like answered by a Guerilla please send us your question to GuerillaMindfare@gmail.com (or leave them in a comment on this post) and we’ll be answering them here in the days to come. Thanks!

Shawshank Redemption (and you don't even need a rock hammer!)

As I sit here in my cube, (my own private open air cell that my job uses to seduce me in to thinking I have freedom while I am secretly held by the invisible chains of “Bills” and “debt”) in my cushiony seat, I can’t help but to think what I guess many of you have probably thought at your own jobs (cube or no cube) today and so many days past…how the heck can I get out of here before losing what little mind I have left?! Well as I secretly and silently stage my own private labor protest I have come up with my top favorite excuses, as well as things you can do, to make an early escape from your voluntary slavery.

9 Things To Say:

9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. "I have to go feed my stuffed deer head"
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”


6 Things to Do:

6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don't want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else