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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Truth Is Stranger...
The internet, the world’s dumping ground of knowledge both useful and useless. Full of everything from scientific studies to the latest Dilbert strip. Both the useful and useless can be given equal time and space with a freedom unseen before DARPA got lazy (don’t know where the internet came from? Google it! You’re on it everyday…learn something about it). On our jaunt this week we came upon some weird (but completely true) news. We’ve compiled our top 5 here for your entertainment…and of course with some Guerilla commentary thrown in for good measure!
However, in September, a federal jury in Baltimore rejected the claim by a 64-year-old West Virginia man that a Frederick, Md., surgeon had stapled his rectum shut during an operation. The jury accepted the doctor's explanation that it was the man's longtime, heavy smoking that caused his rectum to become swollen and shut for 17 days. [Daily Record (Baltimore), 9-29-08]
However, in September, a federal jury in Baltimore rejected the claim by a 64-year-old West Virginia man that a Frederick, Md., surgeon had stapled his rectum shut during an operation. The jury accepted the doctor's explanation that it was the man's longtime, heavy smoking that caused his rectum to become swollen and shut for 17 days. [Daily Record (Baltimore), 9-29-08]
Guerilla: Now that’s $h!tty…17 days! We bet he wishes he hadn’t had that Taco Bell on day 2! Now for you smoker’s…let this be fair warning: stop now or suffer a swollen colon! You’ve been warned!
Officer Keith Breiner, suspended from the police force in Beaumont, Texas, for crossing the line during an undercover prostitution sting (that is, he actually had sex), defended himself in an August hearing: "It was a job, sir. I didn't have pleasure doing it." It was, he said, "something I did for the city." [Beaumont Enterprise, 8-21-08]
Guerilla: All we get are spreadsheets that look like a 2-year-old’s art project that he colored with his eyes closed, in the dark, during an eclipse…some guys have all the luck (or we filled out the wrong applications)!
Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek, 29, has developed jewelry consisting of tiny crystals or flowers that hang directly from the eye via micro-thin medical wire attached to either prescription or blank contact lenses and, in the light, give the appearance of tears streaming down the cheek. He expects to hit the market soon, according to an October report in London's Daily Mail, at a price of the equivalent of around $325. Though the adornments appear to be painful or dangerous, Klarenbeek said users of his prototypes so far have been "amazed" at their comfort. [Daily Mail, 10-3-08]
Guerilla: We cry enough real tears watching our stock prices fall and our 401k’s dry up not to mention the constant rejection from the new hottie in the mailroom that keeps telling us to “put a ring on it” (damn you Beyonce if your legs weren’t so long and …we digress). Point is we don’t need to fake it…
Jocelyn Wildenstein has reportedly spent $4,000,000 (£2,000,000) on cosmetic surgery over the years. If proof were needed that money can't buy everything, look no further.
Rich divorcee Jocelyn Wildenstein spent a rumored £2million on cosmetic surgery to keep her husband, but succeeded only in ruining the good looks she was born with.
. [Daily Mail, 02-20-08]
Guerilla: See the picture at the top. Need we say more? No? Well we will anyway…a quick three things you could have spent $2,000,000 on instead of making yourself look like the stunt double for the beast from Beauty and The Beast (where obviously some of the stunts went wrong):
1. 1,990,000 McDonald’s Cheeseburgers from the Dollar menu to feed your entire neighborhood at Thanksgiving
2. Both dugouts, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, home base, and 2,128 seats from the old Shea Stadium
3. 666,667 cans of coke from our office vending machine and 1,000,000 packets of Pop Rocks from a dollar store to test the urban myth and see if you can make your stomach explode
Akira Hino, 51, was arrested in Tokyo in September and charged with stealing a woman's underpants, using a fishing rod to reach a laundry pole on an apartment balcony. Police found more than 500 women's undies in his apartment. [Agence France-Presse, 9-30-08]
Guerilla: And to think we have been spending good money on dinners, movies, etc to build our collection when all we really needed was a quick trip to the fishin’ store…hindsight is 20/20 and all that though I guess…
Monday, November 17, 2008
ASK A GUERILLA!
During my daily hop around the Internet (on my own time and at home of course cause I am 100% dedicated to being focused at work) I stumbled across “Dear Abby” . For those of you not familiar, Abby (right) is an older woman that appears in newspaper columns and on websites to field the questions of millions of Americas who value her opinions and insight on varying topics. I was reading through some of these Q and A’s and realized that dear, sweet, old ass Abby is still answering questions like it was 1982 and her advice (in this humble blog’s opinion) bites. So we’ve decided: rather than sit around and have a gripe session about how wearing Depends in too small a size obviously alters your perception of reality (we’re not saying she’s old, she just has a …um…mature perspective) we will offer up our own advice that we feel may be a little more in touch with our reality and the current age that we live in. So we’ll give you Abby's advice…and then we’ll give you our own take on things.
Here is an actual Q&A from a Dear Abby column from Nov 17, 2008 as it appears on Uexpress.com
“DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter, "Romy," writes in a little journal that I bought her. She writes things like, "I love Blake," and "Me and Blake forever," and more. Can an 8-year-old really feel love for this boy? I always thought that girls her age didn't really care too much for boys. Am I making too much of this? -- CONCERNED MOM IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Little girls don't fall in love like adult women do, but they certainly can develop crushes on boys. I remember one I had on a boy named Jimmy when I was in kindergarten. I "fell in love" with him because he could swing around a pole straight-armed, and I thought he was a brilliant athlete. It was the first of many crushes. So please stop obsessing. You have nothing to worry about.”
GUERILLA ADVICE: Dear Concerned Mom, our upstairs neighbor is 10 years old and 3 months pregnant with twins and has made 4 separate trips to the Maury show to find out who her baby daddy is (ok…in fairness one of those trips was because she was dressing too sexy, but a little boot camp straightened that right out and she got pregnant wearing a full length skirt we are happy to report). Our downstairs neighbor has a 9 year old with an STD and a prescription drug addiction. Your daughter IS too young to know what love is, but she certainly knows what lust is if she is breathing air, or if you have a television that gets any channels 2-2000. Kids are mature far beyond their years these days. Don’t let their lack of years lull you into a lack of fears. Be very afraid! I would suggest practicing sleeping with one eye open because there is a much older pubescent boy sneaking in to your daughters room through the window (maybe even as we speak)! Immediately go to http://www.chastitybeltsforbabies.com/ and order yourself the super deluxe model cause you’ve succeeded in raising a trollop doomed for teen pregnancy and drug addiction, destined to be swinging around a pole (and it ain’t on Abby’s kindergarten playground!) Way to go mom!
If you have a question you would like answered by a Guerilla please send us your question to GuerillaMindfare@gmail.com (or leave them in a comment on this post) and we’ll be answering them here in the days to come. Thanks!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Shawshank Redemption (and you don't even need a rock hammer!)
As I sit here in my cube, (my own private open air cell that my job uses to seduce me in to thinking I have freedom while I am secretly held by the invisible chains of “Bills” and “debt”) in my cushiony seat, I can’t help but to think what I guess many of you have probably thought at your own jobs (cube or no cube) today and so many days past…how the heck can I get out of here before losing what little mind I have left?! Well as I secretly and silently stage my own private labor protest I have come up with my top favorite excuses, as well as things you can do, to make an early escape from your voluntary slavery.
9 Things To Say:
9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. "I have to go feed my stuffed deer head"
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”
6 Things to Do:
6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don't want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else
9 Things To Say:
9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. "I have to go feed my stuffed deer head"
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”
6 Things to Do:
6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don't want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else
Friday, October 17, 2008
It's Your Money...Keep It!!
These are some crazy days we are living in. Wars and rumors of wars…stock market crashes and rumors of crashes…and what ever happened to the Tellytubbies?
I have once again been working my frugal (cheap) brain and have come up with a short list of 6 things we may all want to try in order to stretch our dollar just a bit further during this economic crunch time. I do have to warn you that some of these tips I haven’t actually tried yet so if you decide to try them you do so at your own risk. It might not work for you, but the fun is in the trying!
1) When your using your soap and it gets to that point where it becomes the “itty-bitty soap” don’t throw it away! Save those itty bitty soaps and when you have two or three collected melt them down on your stovetop and shape them into a new bigger bar of soap! Practical and artsy!
I have once again been working my frugal (cheap) brain and have come up with a short list of 6 things we may all want to try in order to stretch our dollar just a bit further during this economic crunch time. I do have to warn you that some of these tips I haven’t actually tried yet so if you decide to try them you do so at your own risk. It might not work for you, but the fun is in the trying!
1) When your using your soap and it gets to that point where it becomes the “itty-bitty soap” don’t throw it away! Save those itty bitty soaps and when you have two or three collected melt them down on your stovetop and shape them into a new bigger bar of soap! Practical and artsy!
2) Condiment lover? Find somewhere that has those neat ketchup/mustard/whatever sauce pumps and take your empty bottles over there and fill’er up! (if its for free...it’s for me!)
3) Speaking of condoms…for those of you using them (judging by all the new baby announcements this wont help the majority of you) rinse those bad boys out and reuse them! Then you can send out your own announcement next month.
4) Find religion! Did anyone know they serve a free snack at most Christian churches at least once a month?! For best results find the ones that use real wine! Take two, and put one in your handy pocket flask! After a few of these trips you can have a little wine with dinner EVERY night!
5) Wash your car with the squeegee at the gas station! It works so well on your windows how bad could it work on the rest of your car. For faster results…bring the whole family along! Many hands make light work!
6) Unplug your alarm clock, r better yet all of your clocks when you’re sleeping! You’re unconscious anyway you can’t see it through closed eyes! Warning: may cause unemployment, but think of the savings!!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
God Bless America (cause we sure do need it)
I thought I could stay away from addressing politics on my blog, but in the interest of humor Sarah Palin has made it almost impossible for me to avoid the obvious and easy.
Now I won’t bore you by taking easy jabs at all of the silly nonsensical interviews she’s had, but I will take a moment on my soapbox to say this…
Many have criticized Obama’s lack of “experience” and so now I ask: which is more important to America…quantity of time served, or quality of time served? Educate yourself (watch the Sarah Palin interviews with Katie Couric including the joint McCain-Palin interview at CBSnews.com) and form your own opinion.
In the meantime I was able to engage my network, rub a few elbows, and got some one-on-one time for an exclusive Guerilla Mindfare interview with the Republican VP nominee herself. You readers wanted some very specific questions answered and here’s what she had to say:
Guerilla: Thank you for spending a few minutes with us today, we know you have a busy schedule and we have just a few questions and we’ll let you get back to it.
Palin: Thank you for that welcoming welcome and yes I am a busy little bee, or perhaps I should say beaver but it doesn’t much matter because they both start with “B” which everyone knows comes after “A” and is always at the beginning.
Guerilla: ummmm….yeah…so…let’s start easy with a nice getting-to-know-you question our readers would like to know. Do you like hamburgers?
Palin: Well...I certainly do love French fries....and in America that’s something that we have to make sure we are focused on
Guerilla: But do you like hamburgers?
Palin: Have you ever met an Eskimo? They love hamburgers and French fries…even if they’re cold…the fries not the Eskimos
Guerilla: Not to beat a dead horse, or a cow in this case, but do you like hamburgers as in do you like to eat them?
Palin: I love putting things in my mouth and as you know from past presidencies that can be a very important aspect to whether you are viewed as a good one or a bad one
Guerilla: ok let’s move to the next question. How will you represent for women if you become Vice President?
Palin: This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating, but what I will do for women is I will let them represent themselves. Women are strong people they don’t need me to represent them. So they can be beautiful and well represented and we will gladly take the credit for their success.
Guerilla: that sounds a bit fishy Governor…
Palin: Let me stop you right there…I believe man and fish can live together peacefully. This is America. Home of the Cowboys and Indians
Guerilla: I think they prefer Native Americans Governor
Palin: Yes…excuse me…Native Americans and Indians…
Guerilla: ….
Keep checking back for part two of our interview with Gov Sarah Palin when we really dig in to the major issues…and be sure to tune in to the Vice Presidential debates tonight at 9PM EST. It’s bound to be entertaining if nothing else…
Now I won’t bore you by taking easy jabs at all of the silly nonsensical interviews she’s had, but I will take a moment on my soapbox to say this…
Many have criticized Obama’s lack of “experience” and so now I ask: which is more important to America…quantity of time served, or quality of time served? Educate yourself (watch the Sarah Palin interviews with Katie Couric including the joint McCain-Palin interview at CBSnews.com) and form your own opinion.
In the meantime I was able to engage my network, rub a few elbows, and got some one-on-one time for an exclusive Guerilla Mindfare interview with the Republican VP nominee herself. You readers wanted some very specific questions answered and here’s what she had to say:
Guerilla: Thank you for spending a few minutes with us today, we know you have a busy schedule and we have just a few questions and we’ll let you get back to it.
Palin: Thank you for that welcoming welcome and yes I am a busy little bee, or perhaps I should say beaver but it doesn’t much matter because they both start with “B” which everyone knows comes after “A” and is always at the beginning.
Guerilla: ummmm….yeah…so…let’s start easy with a nice getting-to-know-you question our readers would like to know. Do you like hamburgers?
Palin: Well...I certainly do love French fries....and in America that’s something that we have to make sure we are focused on
Guerilla: But do you like hamburgers?
Palin: Have you ever met an Eskimo? They love hamburgers and French fries…even if they’re cold…the fries not the Eskimos
Guerilla: Not to beat a dead horse, or a cow in this case, but do you like hamburgers as in do you like to eat them?
Palin: I love putting things in my mouth and as you know from past presidencies that can be a very important aspect to whether you are viewed as a good one or a bad one
Guerilla: ok let’s move to the next question. How will you represent for women if you become Vice President?
Palin: This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating, but what I will do for women is I will let them represent themselves. Women are strong people they don’t need me to represent them. So they can be beautiful and well represented and we will gladly take the credit for their success.
Guerilla: that sounds a bit fishy Governor…
Palin: Let me stop you right there…I believe man and fish can live together peacefully. This is America. Home of the Cowboys and Indians
Guerilla: I think they prefer Native Americans Governor
Palin: Yes…excuse me…Native Americans and Indians…
Guerilla: ….
Keep checking back for part two of our interview with Gov Sarah Palin when we really dig in to the major issues…and be sure to tune in to the Vice Presidential debates tonight at 9PM EST. It’s bound to be entertaining if nothing else…
(the preceeding was a parody not a real interview...just in case the men in black come a lookin for me)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
IT'S A DATE!!
I was talking to a friend today who was telling me about her hesitation about going on a first date. Not just any first date…a blind first date. Now for the anti-social amongst us - this does not mean that her date wears dark sunglasses and uses a cane or a Seeing Eye dog to get around. A blind date is a first date with someone that you have never met or interacted with before the date. Usually it’s someone else a “friend” who will call you and exclaim joyfully “I met the perfect guy/girl for you!” has found. Now traditionally in my experience this person is far from perfect for ME, but is most often perfect for the person who fixed you up, but that’s another blog for another day….
So I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with some information that someone may find helpful. My personal short lists of Do’s and Don’ts for the ladies and the fellas on a first date, blind or otherwise taken directly from my personal experience (meaning my personal male point-of-view). So some of these may not apply to you, but I think they are general enough that they probably hold true for most. As always if you have any suggestions/opinions to add let me know (use the comment link directly below the entry…I mean you’re here you might as well lazy). Keep in mind I am an American so if you’re not in America your culture may have a different set of rules, but I don’t date there so get your own blog… : - )
Guy Do’s
1) Be polite (it was a good meal but she wont appreciate it like grandma does when you let out that loud burp and pick your teeth with your fingernail)
2) Be a gentleman (contrary to what seems to be popular belief among the younger generations holding a door for a woman wont compromise your sexuality)
3) Be attentive (I understand Applebee’s puts the football game on during your date, but if you want a second one make more eye contact with her than you do with Brett Favre)
4) Talk less…listen more (odds are she likes to talk once you get her going and pay attention! Actually remembering something she says will go a long way later on)
5) Bathe (if you need me to elaborate on this one…click the “X” in the top right corner…turn off your computer…and be very afraid cause your hope is all but lost)
6) Have an interest/opinion on something non-sports/video game related (there’s more to life than Sportscenter and Xbox360)
Guy Don’ts
1) Don’t share with her your allergy to water (the obvious next question is how did you shower?), sheep saliva (this is irrelevant unless your first date is at a petting zoo), or anything else that my come across as “weird”. You want her to be comfortable. Leave some mystery for the 2nd date.
2) Don’t make your first date at a petting zoo
3) Don’t continuously stare at your thumb and mumble “I bet it will fit…I just gotta get her to hold still”
4) Don’t ask her how much she paid for (or where she bought) any of the following:
-hair
-eyes
-nose
-boobs
-etc… (you get the picture here…if she bought it…its hers)
5) Yes, the waitress is VERY cute, but she’s not your date…focus man! (do your sightseeing on your own time)
6) If it itches don’t scratch it (excuse yourself to the bathroom dummy)
Ladies Do’s
1) Have any opinion/interests (if we wanted to talk to ourselves we could have done that at home with the Xbox)
2) Have an interest in something other than your shoes, your hair, and which celebrity is dating which (we really don’t care who Paris Hiltons new BFF is)
3) Offer to help with the check (we’re not going to let you, but it’s nice to know you CAN if you have to. Let us know you aren’t just a tag-a-long goldigger)
4) Allow us to be gentleman (pause at the door…give us a chance to do it right….or wrong)
5) Don’t assume a bad time as soon as you see us (I don’t have proof, but I know you ladies do this! Give us a chance to make it a bad time)
6) Let us know if you think you could be falling in love with us and think we would have the most beautiful children together (this is a “do” because we need to know if you are a psycho nut …the sooner the better…)
Ladies Don’ts
1) Keep us waiting forever (we understand your need to make an entrance, but take too long and we’ll be at Applebee’s watching the football game with the cute waitress)
2) Drink like a fish/Eat like a lumberjack (at least PRETEND your interested in something other than the free food and drink)
3) Don’t assume he likes the taste of your hair as much as you do. (if you need to restyle, comb, brush, etc.. take it to the bathroom we don’t want it in our plate)
4) If it itches please don’t scratch it in front of us (wherever we are probably has a bathroom..take your meds BEFORE you come out)
5) Don’t at anytime utter the phrase “ my -ex boyfriends name here- use to do the same thing, wear the same thing, smell the same way, etc…if he was so great what are you doing here?)
6) Make us think we are going to be in a threesome with you and your text messaging (Carla/Debbie/Susan/whomever’s life isn’t REALLY gonna fall apart in the hour or two that we’re out…you can text and call all you want after we’re gone)
So I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with some information that someone may find helpful. My personal short lists of Do’s and Don’ts for the ladies and the fellas on a first date, blind or otherwise taken directly from my personal experience (meaning my personal male point-of-view). So some of these may not apply to you, but I think they are general enough that they probably hold true for most. As always if you have any suggestions/opinions to add let me know (use the comment link directly below the entry…I mean you’re here you might as well lazy). Keep in mind I am an American so if you’re not in America your culture may have a different set of rules, but I don’t date there so get your own blog… : - )
Guy Do’s
1) Be polite (it was a good meal but she wont appreciate it like grandma does when you let out that loud burp and pick your teeth with your fingernail)
2) Be a gentleman (contrary to what seems to be popular belief among the younger generations holding a door for a woman wont compromise your sexuality)
3) Be attentive (I understand Applebee’s puts the football game on during your date, but if you want a second one make more eye contact with her than you do with Brett Favre)
4) Talk less…listen more (odds are she likes to talk once you get her going and pay attention! Actually remembering something she says will go a long way later on)
5) Bathe (if you need me to elaborate on this one…click the “X” in the top right corner…turn off your computer…and be very afraid cause your hope is all but lost)
6) Have an interest/opinion on something non-sports/video game related (there’s more to life than Sportscenter and Xbox360)
Guy Don’ts
1) Don’t share with her your allergy to water (the obvious next question is how did you shower?), sheep saliva (this is irrelevant unless your first date is at a petting zoo), or anything else that my come across as “weird”. You want her to be comfortable. Leave some mystery for the 2nd date.
2) Don’t make your first date at a petting zoo
3) Don’t continuously stare at your thumb and mumble “I bet it will fit…I just gotta get her to hold still”
4) Don’t ask her how much she paid for (or where she bought) any of the following:
-hair
-eyes
-nose
-boobs
-etc… (you get the picture here…if she bought it…its hers)
5) Yes, the waitress is VERY cute, but she’s not your date…focus man! (do your sightseeing on your own time)
6) If it itches don’t scratch it (excuse yourself to the bathroom dummy)
Ladies Do’s
1) Have any opinion/interests (if we wanted to talk to ourselves we could have done that at home with the Xbox)
2) Have an interest in something other than your shoes, your hair, and which celebrity is dating which (we really don’t care who Paris Hiltons new BFF is)
3) Offer to help with the check (we’re not going to let you, but it’s nice to know you CAN if you have to. Let us know you aren’t just a tag-a-long goldigger)
4) Allow us to be gentleman (pause at the door…give us a chance to do it right….or wrong)
5) Don’t assume a bad time as soon as you see us (I don’t have proof, but I know you ladies do this! Give us a chance to make it a bad time)
6) Let us know if you think you could be falling in love with us and think we would have the most beautiful children together (this is a “do” because we need to know if you are a psycho nut …the sooner the better…)
Ladies Don’ts
1) Keep us waiting forever (we understand your need to make an entrance, but take too long and we’ll be at Applebee’s watching the football game with the cute waitress)
2) Drink like a fish/Eat like a lumberjack (at least PRETEND your interested in something other than the free food and drink)
3) Don’t assume he likes the taste of your hair as much as you do. (if you need to restyle, comb, brush, etc.. take it to the bathroom we don’t want it in our plate)
4) If it itches please don’t scratch it in front of us (wherever we are probably has a bathroom..take your meds BEFORE you come out)
5) Don’t at anytime utter the phrase “
6) Make us think we are going to be in a threesome with you and your text messaging (Carla/Debbie/Susan/whomever’s life isn’t REALLY gonna fall apart in the hour or two that we’re out…you can text and call all you want after we’re gone)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Their Grrrrrrrreat!
I recently have been thinking about what makes a person great. I’ve always wanted to be great at something, at anything, at everything (not necessarily in that order). I realized that I hadn’t given any thought to how I would know if I ever achieved “greatness” because I wasn’t sure what the definition of greatness is. Then as I began to ask people for their definitions of greatness I realized that opinions are like elbows (I’ve cleaned that up a little for those of you saying hey that’s not how the saying goes)…most people have one.
So, here is my stab at my definition/opinion of greatness:
Greatness should be measured by the quality of the life you lead not solely quantifiable measures. At first read that statement may appear to be one of convenience for those who have nothing to quantify, but please don’t let your tunnel vision hinder you from absorbing the concept. Some say that you are born with greatness. I believe we are all born with the capacity for greatness. However, I submit that greatness is something that you become and not something inherent. Greatness is in the lives you touch and the positive effect you have on those lives. It’s the reflection of your soul and spirit and how that which is on the inside is reflected on the outside. Greatness is the purity of the love you share and your capacity to be loved. Greatness lies in your dedication and your commitment. It lies in your words and your deeds…in your honesty with others and yourself. Greatness is in the grace with which you carry yourself. In being strong and knowing and acknowledging your weaknesses.
Greatness infers being first, being the best. We should all pursue being the best in life, but let’s start with being the best and first in love. Let us start with being the first and best at moral excellence. Let us start with being the first and best at generosity. Let us pursue something greater than the expansion of our bank accounts, or the size of houses, or the numbers of vehicles in our driveways. Greatness goes beyond our fitness for an episode of Cribs. Let us allow quality rather than quantity to guide us in our decisions and to shape our lives. Let us constantly and consistently pursue improvement in all things physical, mental, and spiritual…accepting the necessary struggle and extending our vision to the finish line and not narrowly focus on the ground immediately ahead.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
So, here is my stab at my definition/opinion of greatness:
Greatness should be measured by the quality of the life you lead not solely quantifiable measures. At first read that statement may appear to be one of convenience for those who have nothing to quantify, but please don’t let your tunnel vision hinder you from absorbing the concept. Some say that you are born with greatness. I believe we are all born with the capacity for greatness. However, I submit that greatness is something that you become and not something inherent. Greatness is in the lives you touch and the positive effect you have on those lives. It’s the reflection of your soul and spirit and how that which is on the inside is reflected on the outside. Greatness is the purity of the love you share and your capacity to be loved. Greatness lies in your dedication and your commitment. It lies in your words and your deeds…in your honesty with others and yourself. Greatness is in the grace with which you carry yourself. In being strong and knowing and acknowledging your weaknesses.
Greatness infers being first, being the best. We should all pursue being the best in life, but let’s start with being the best and first in love. Let us start with being the first and best at moral excellence. Let us start with being the first and best at generosity. Let us pursue something greater than the expansion of our bank accounts, or the size of houses, or the numbers of vehicles in our driveways. Greatness goes beyond our fitness for an episode of Cribs. Let us allow quality rather than quantity to guide us in our decisions and to shape our lives. Let us constantly and consistently pursue improvement in all things physical, mental, and spiritual…accepting the necessary struggle and extending our vision to the finish line and not narrowly focus on the ground immediately ahead.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Friday, September 12, 2008
U.S.A...U.S.A...U.S.A....
As you all know…I love lists. So today I was told that MTV now has a show called “MTV’s Top Pop Group”. Causing me to think that in our world today talent means nothing. All you need is enough votes on a “reality” show/contest and you’re in there like swimwear (that means it’s all good youngsters)! Americas Next Top Model, America’s Best Dance Crew, America’s Got Talent, American Idol , So You Think You Can Dance, and the list goes on and on and on. You don’t have to be the best just those votes in!
So I was thinking about some of the great Americans out there that have been overlooked and who’s talents (or lack thereof) are being wasted simply for lack of an opportunity to showcase their talents. So let’s shine the light on these great Americans and give them their shot at fame, glory and riches! So MTV, Fox, VH1, and all the rest...if you’re out there and you’re reading this (and I know you are) here are my top 7 suggestions for contests for us regular people to give us our shot at being the next biggest thing:
1) America’s Best Dirty Water Dog – For the men and women who brave the elements to bring us undercooked and over dirty hot dogs year round. Have water will travel!
2) Americas Best Sweatshop – Who can make a Sneaker the fastest and for the lowest pay per hour? It could be you!
3) America’s Next Top Nail Salon – who doesn’t love little Asian women running around talking real fast?
4) America’s Next Top Spreadsheet – This is for all you cubicle dwellers. Bring you’re “A” game! Two words…Pivot Table…’nuff said
5) America’s Got Tastelessness – If you’re over 50 and you own anything animal print or Hawaiian print…its your time to shine!
6) America’s Got Roadkill – For those unsung (and mostly unseen...I haven’t ever seen them...have you?) heroes who remove the skunks, deer, raccoons, and various other creatures from our nations road shoulders (this one is courtesy of Captain Lips)
7) So You think You Can Wax a Back – A lost art, temporarily revived by a 40 Year Old Virgin, but since fallen off the map yet again. O Masters of the Waxy Arts…here’s your chance at greatness!
So I was thinking about some of the great Americans out there that have been overlooked and who’s talents (or lack thereof) are being wasted simply for lack of an opportunity to showcase their talents. So let’s shine the light on these great Americans and give them their shot at fame, glory and riches! So MTV, Fox, VH1, and all the rest...if you’re out there and you’re reading this (and I know you are) here are my top 7 suggestions for contests for us regular people to give us our shot at being the next biggest thing:
1) America’s Best Dirty Water Dog – For the men and women who brave the elements to bring us undercooked and over dirty hot dogs year round. Have water will travel!
2) Americas Best Sweatshop – Who can make a Sneaker the fastest and for the lowest pay per hour? It could be you!
3) America’s Next Top Nail Salon – who doesn’t love little Asian women running around talking real fast?
4) America’s Next Top Spreadsheet – This is for all you cubicle dwellers. Bring you’re “A” game! Two words…Pivot Table…’nuff said
5) America’s Got Tastelessness – If you’re over 50 and you own anything animal print or Hawaiian print…its your time to shine!
6) America’s Got Roadkill – For those unsung (and mostly unseen...I haven’t ever seen them...have you?) heroes who remove the skunks, deer, raccoons, and various other creatures from our nations road shoulders (this one is courtesy of Captain Lips)
7) So You think You Can Wax a Back – A lost art, temporarily revived by a 40 Year Old Virgin, but since fallen off the map yet again. O Masters of the Waxy Arts…here’s your chance at greatness!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Miracles Do Happen…But Stupidity Happens More Often
It seems at times that the long days just get longer. At times it seems as if God has a sense of humor and tries out all his new material on me.
But this morning I thought that had all changed. Finally God had decided to strike a balance.
As many of you know I have terrible eyesight. I have been wearing glasses since I was very young and am very near blind without them. This morning I did not simply bear witness to a miracle…I BECAME a miracle. This morning I woke up with my sight. I went to the bathroom, as is my normal ritual, looked in the mirror and saw myself…clearly. No glasses, yet I could see perfectly!! My heart soared with joy that finally God had smiled on me. A real, true, sincere smile. Not the usual suspicious grin that He wears knowing the punchline to a joke that I haven’t been told yet. All of my waiting for my miracle and here it was literally looking at me in the face!
Unfortunately, after this brief moment of walking around my house and looking around at everything, looking out the window and feeling for the first time that I was actually “seeing” a sunrise…something happened. Something awful happened. My eyes began to get dry and began irritating me. I blinked and blinked and blinked hoping the irritation would go away, but the more I blinked the worse it became.
Then it happened…
My right contact fell out. And just as quickly as it had come…so went my miracle. Apparently I had fallen asleep with my contacts in. I am very vigilant about removing my contacts before I go to sleep at night and putting on my glasses and if you had asked me I would have sworn that’s exactly what I did last night. Guess not.
Now if you are very very quiet and you listen reeeeaaaaaal close….you can hear God giggling…
But this morning I thought that had all changed. Finally God had decided to strike a balance.
As many of you know I have terrible eyesight. I have been wearing glasses since I was very young and am very near blind without them. This morning I did not simply bear witness to a miracle…I BECAME a miracle. This morning I woke up with my sight. I went to the bathroom, as is my normal ritual, looked in the mirror and saw myself…clearly. No glasses, yet I could see perfectly!! My heart soared with joy that finally God had smiled on me. A real, true, sincere smile. Not the usual suspicious grin that He wears knowing the punchline to a joke that I haven’t been told yet. All of my waiting for my miracle and here it was literally looking at me in the face!
Unfortunately, after this brief moment of walking around my house and looking around at everything, looking out the window and feeling for the first time that I was actually “seeing” a sunrise…something happened. Something awful happened. My eyes began to get dry and began irritating me. I blinked and blinked and blinked hoping the irritation would go away, but the more I blinked the worse it became.
Then it happened…
My right contact fell out. And just as quickly as it had come…so went my miracle. Apparently I had fallen asleep with my contacts in. I am very vigilant about removing my contacts before I go to sleep at night and putting on my glasses and if you had asked me I would have sworn that’s exactly what I did last night. Guess not.
Now if you are very very quiet and you listen reeeeaaaaaal close….you can hear God giggling…
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Bye Bye Bye...
Well my good people…the Summer is almost over, sad but true. We ate a lot, we did some swimming, got a tan at the beach (for those of you who didn’t come with one already built in), and generally enjoyed some good times under the Sun. However, have no fear my fellow lovers of the UV ray, thanks to Global Warming the Summer is sure to last well into October! (let’s hear it for pollution!)
So as we mourn the loss of Summer let me share with you a few things we can all look forward to with the coming cold:
1) The electric bill will be lower because you can finally turn off the AC!
2) The food bill will be lower because you no longer feel obligated to have a BBQ to feed 50 of your “closest” friends every other weekend!
3) You won’t have to spend as much on gas because you no longer feel compelled to take unnecessary trips just because “it’s nice out”.
4) Ladies…you can go back to eating real food because you have at least 7 months before you have to fit back into that swimsuit.
5) People that should have been covered up all Summer (you know who you are) will now be covered up out of necessity until at least May.
6) You can save on water because you no longer feel motivated to wash your car, take care of your lawn, or water your flowers. (however, some of these savings will be offset by actually having to bathe your children. You can no longer take them to the pool and let them rinse off in the chlorine)
7) Fellas…we can go back to setting the thermostat juuuuust cold enough so that our lady friend will want to cuddle ;-) (let’s try to keep that lil’ tip between us shall we?)
Try and make the best of what’s left of the soon to be good-old-days. I know I will!
So as we mourn the loss of Summer let me share with you a few things we can all look forward to with the coming cold:
1) The electric bill will be lower because you can finally turn off the AC!
2) The food bill will be lower because you no longer feel obligated to have a BBQ to feed 50 of your “closest” friends every other weekend!
3) You won’t have to spend as much on gas because you no longer feel compelled to take unnecessary trips just because “it’s nice out”.
4) Ladies…you can go back to eating real food because you have at least 7 months before you have to fit back into that swimsuit.
5) People that should have been covered up all Summer (you know who you are) will now be covered up out of necessity until at least May.
6) You can save on water because you no longer feel motivated to wash your car, take care of your lawn, or water your flowers. (however, some of these savings will be offset by actually having to bathe your children. You can no longer take them to the pool and let them rinse off in the chlorine)
7) Fellas…we can go back to setting the thermostat juuuuust cold enough so that our lady friend will want to cuddle ;-) (let’s try to keep that lil’ tip between us shall we?)
Try and make the best of what’s left of the soon to be good-old-days. I know I will!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Labor Day Weekend Fun
There’s a 3 day weekend coming up and as usual everyone I ask “hey what are you doing with your long weekend?” inevitably has the same answer… “I dunno”. So, since you all are fresh out of ideas I thought I’d come up with some things that you may want to try in order to put the adventure back in your Labor Day weekend. I’ve come up with some new variations of old favorites with an NYC flavor. So get out there and wax nostalgic about games you haven’t played in a while and enjoy your weekend!
1) Duck Duck DUCK! – very similar to ‘Duck Duck Goose’ except in this game you go to Brooklyn late at night in a strange neighborhood making eye contact with everyone!
2) Ring Around the Lazy – gather your friends, circle up around your drunken couch potato uncle and sing annoying songs until he passes out, or physically assaults someone!
3) Leap Bum – like Leap Frog only you play with random homeless on the sidewalk
4) Red light, Green Light, 1, 2, Tree – Borrow a buddies car and run red lights all over town as if you were a NYC taxicab narrowly avoiding crashes.
5) Tic Tac Hoe – Get a friend and several “X” and “O” stickers. One person gets X’s the other person gets the O’s. The first person to stealthily stick all their stickers on the backs of prostitutes is the winner!
As always please keep in mind that there is a certain level of risk involved in these games and that you play at your own risk, but at least you won’t have to worry about poking your eye out!
1) Duck Duck DUCK! – very similar to ‘Duck Duck Goose’ except in this game you go to Brooklyn late at night in a strange neighborhood making eye contact with everyone!
2) Ring Around the Lazy – gather your friends, circle up around your drunken couch potato uncle and sing annoying songs until he passes out, or physically assaults someone!
3) Leap Bum – like Leap Frog only you play with random homeless on the sidewalk
4) Red light, Green Light, 1, 2, Tree – Borrow a buddies car and run red lights all over town as if you were a NYC taxicab narrowly avoiding crashes.
5) Tic Tac Hoe – Get a friend and several “X” and “O” stickers. One person gets X’s the other person gets the O’s. The first person to stealthily stick all their stickers on the backs of prostitutes is the winner!
As always please keep in mind that there is a certain level of risk involved in these games and that you play at your own risk, but at least you won’t have to worry about poking your eye out!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
What a WONDERful world this would be...
I wonder what the plan is for my life…
I wonder what it was at the beginning and how it changed as I changed.
I wonder what I was supposed to become, but got in my own way.
I wonder how I got here…and sometimes where here is.
I wonder why to get to something you have to go through something…and why the journey to anything of value is never easy.
I wonder what it was at the beginning and how it changed as I changed.
I wonder what I was supposed to become, but got in my own way.
I wonder how I got here…and sometimes where here is.
I wonder why to get to something you have to go through something…and why the journey to anything of value is never easy.
I wonder why life seems to be full of more wondering than wonderful…
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Pin The Tail On The Tourist...
I have the "luck" of working very near to one of the most densely populated locations in North America - - Times Square, Manhattan NY. That's right home of New Year's Eve itself! The spot where the ball drops. Unfortunately, this means 24 hours a day 365 days a year, in the city that never sleeps you will find one of the most feared species on the island....tourists!
Please, O Crowders of the Sidewalk, understand that this is a fast-paced environment not for the faint of heart. So please keep these few pointers in mind when touring NY:
1) Don't walk side by side across the entire sidewalk moving at a snail's pace. This is not The Wizard Of Oz and you are not on the Yellow Brick Road!
2) Stay to the right! Its how you drive...its how we walk. Cross the crack at your own risk!
3) Yes...escalators do double as stairs. We don't stand still on them. No, it doesn't matter that there are stairs right next to the escalator. When in doubt see #2. You're on vacation, we are not.
4) Pay attention here because this brings us to the our game...do NOT stop dead in your tracks to take pictures of anything (its just a neon sign), anyone (no that isn't someone famous), yourself , a cop (they don't have cops in other towns?), or anything else. KEEP IT MOVING!
Now for you tourists who refuse to heed my advice please be on the lookout for me because as of today I will be playing a new game I made up..."Pin The Tail On The Tourist."
It's a simple game. All you need is a tourist breaking any of the above rules and a tail. the tourist is easy to find and the tail even easier because it's yours! Whenever a tourist stops dead in font of you, is walking slow, taking pictures of the homeless, or any other such nonsense, simply make your way ahead of them and stop. DEAD STOP! Making sure to give your buttocks a little wiggle as they collide with your rear end. You have now successfully pinned a tail on a tourist! Guaranteed to be hours of fun! For variations on the game try eating anything gassy beforehand and passing gas on them as well! I have also seen a variant I like to call "Pin The Pickle On The Tourist", but be warned you may run into some trouble with that one. Happy hunting! Tourists watch your backs! (and your fronts)
Please, O Crowders of the Sidewalk, understand that this is a fast-paced environment not for the faint of heart. So please keep these few pointers in mind when touring NY:
1) Don't walk side by side across the entire sidewalk moving at a snail's pace. This is not The Wizard Of Oz and you are not on the Yellow Brick Road!
2) Stay to the right! Its how you drive...its how we walk. Cross the crack at your own risk!
3) Yes...escalators do double as stairs. We don't stand still on them. No, it doesn't matter that there are stairs right next to the escalator. When in doubt see #2. You're on vacation, we are not.
4) Pay attention here because this brings us to the our game...do NOT stop dead in your tracks to take pictures of anything (its just a neon sign), anyone (no that isn't someone famous), yourself , a cop (they don't have cops in other towns?), or anything else. KEEP IT MOVING!
Now for you tourists who refuse to heed my advice please be on the lookout for me because as of today I will be playing a new game I made up..."Pin The Tail On The Tourist."
It's a simple game. All you need is a tourist breaking any of the above rules and a tail. the tourist is easy to find and the tail even easier because it's yours! Whenever a tourist stops dead in font of you, is walking slow, taking pictures of the homeless, or any other such nonsense, simply make your way ahead of them and stop. DEAD STOP! Making sure to give your buttocks a little wiggle as they collide with your rear end. You have now successfully pinned a tail on a tourist! Guaranteed to be hours of fun! For variations on the game try eating anything gassy beforehand and passing gas on them as well! I have also seen a variant I like to call "Pin The Pickle On The Tourist", but be warned you may run into some trouble with that one. Happy hunting! Tourists watch your backs! (and your fronts)
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Shallow Thoughts From a Deep Mind...
Every now and then I find myself trying to understand the world around me. Sometimes I gain understanding...sometimes I just end up more confused than when I started. So now I'm looking for some help in understanding. Every now and then you'll see me post questions or thoughts that just pop in my head (we've already established I'm not normal). If you can help me out please do so. Now for today's thoughts:
Why are restroom signs in braille? How do blind people find the signs?!
Why,when on the bottom floor, do people on the elevator ask "going up"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? (yes I know its not an original thought, but I still don't know the answer)
If you have a shallow thought...holler at me as they say :-) now get out from in front of the computer and enjoy the last day of the weekend!
Friday, August 01, 2008
FUN For the Old Folk!
Ok I had to share this! If you think of any more let me know (click the little comment spot at the bottom silly!)
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
Ch-Ch-ch-ch-CHANGES
Ok normally I reserve this space for my foolishness (don't worry there is still plenty of dumb stuff over there on teh right--->), but I’ve been gone a while, “getting life done” as they say (which begs the question who is the “they” and the “them” that says all that kind of stuff) so let me take a moment to fill you in. So Anywho, I’m back and a different person than when we last connected. Not completely different, I will always be me, but I’ve taken on a new title….Dad. I am now the father to a beautiful baby girl named Caitlyn. With my new title comes new responsibilities, new outlooks, new insights, new aggravations, and new stress, all of the “stuff” that comes along with a life altering event. Fortunately being a dad also comes with new joy, new happiness, and new love. My daughter has completely changed my life and who I am. I can undoubtedly say I will never be the same again. Who knew someone so small and so young would have such a profound effect on my life, maybe you did, but I certainly didn’t! It’s not easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the reward in seeing the smile on my baby’s face when she sees me makes all of the stress and struggle worth it.
Well now that you know where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to I’ll be back on here letting you into my life once again (for better or for worse). I promise to post at least once a week (life permitting of course). As always, thanks for stopping by and come again….and when you do come again…bring a friend!
Well now that you know where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to I’ll be back on here letting you into my life once again (for better or for worse). I promise to post at least once a week (life permitting of course). As always, thanks for stopping by and come again….and when you do come again…bring a friend!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Work Words! (the series)
I’ve decided that my next series however long it becomes…will be based on what I like to call Work-Words. Work-Words are all of those vague, often nonsensical and blatantly general words and phrases folks toss around in the workplace. I will examine them as they happen. I will try to include the phrase as it is most often spoken as well as my translation of the word or phrase.
To launch this examination into the mindless I thought I’d start at the beginning of my day. Picture it…it’s 8am (ok maybe closer to 10am…depends if win the fight with my bed…don’t act like you don’t do it to!) …I have breakfast in hand and I’m making my way towards my home away from home cube number 331…suddenly from various scalps and tops of heads and even some completely invisible people (think about it you’ll figure it out) come infamous first words, questions that they don’t really want nor care to be answered:
- “How’s THINGS?!” (translation: I’m speaking to you in case I ever need anything from you, but could really care less about you or your day cause I’m sure mine sucks more)
Or
- “How’s IT going?” (translation: I’m just being polite so please don’t launch in to a long story, just say “good” and keep it moving)
Or
- “What’s the good word?” (Translation: I’m hoping you aren’t a quick thinker and won’t be able to think of an appropriate response and just smile and say “good” and keep it moving)
Now here’s the help. Since these folks are using a greeting obviously lacking any sincerity. I’ve include some equally nonsensical responses that will leave them shaking their heads trying to figure out what just happened. I’ve included some for both the men and the women. I will be using some of these very soon to respond. Feel free to try these out on your own job:
“Things are things”
“It’s going a little bit to the left, but the doc said a little surgery and I’ll be back on track”
“What’s the good word? Grasshopper…what’s yours?”
“This day sure was a total waste of makeup”
“Do I look like a !@#$% people person?”
“I started out with nothing…still have most of it left”
“I pretend to work…they pretend to pay me”
“Whatever look you were going for this morning…you missed”
“I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”
“If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport!”
Have any other mindless, insincere, vague greetings you’ve heard? Have any responses ideas that you want to share? Leave a comment (click the word comment directly below this post) and I’ll post the best of them in an upcoming post!
To launch this examination into the mindless I thought I’d start at the beginning of my day. Picture it…it’s 8am (ok maybe closer to 10am…depends if win the fight with my bed…don’t act like you don’t do it to!) …I have breakfast in hand and I’m making my way towards my home away from home cube number 331…suddenly from various scalps and tops of heads and even some completely invisible people (think about it you’ll figure it out) come infamous first words, questions that they don’t really want nor care to be answered:
- “How’s THINGS?!” (translation: I’m speaking to you in case I ever need anything from you, but could really care less about you or your day cause I’m sure mine sucks more)
Or
- “How’s IT going?” (translation: I’m just being polite so please don’t launch in to a long story, just say “good” and keep it moving)
Or
- “What’s the good word?” (Translation: I’m hoping you aren’t a quick thinker and won’t be able to think of an appropriate response and just smile and say “good” and keep it moving)
Now here’s the help. Since these folks are using a greeting obviously lacking any sincerity. I’ve include some equally nonsensical responses that will leave them shaking their heads trying to figure out what just happened. I’ve included some for both the men and the women. I will be using some of these very soon to respond. Feel free to try these out on your own job:
“Things are things”
“It’s going a little bit to the left, but the doc said a little surgery and I’ll be back on track”
“What’s the good word? Grasshopper…what’s yours?”
“This day sure was a total waste of makeup”
“Do I look like a !@#$% people person?”
“I started out with nothing…still have most of it left”
“I pretend to work…they pretend to pay me”
“Whatever look you were going for this morning…you missed”
“I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”
“If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport!”
Have any other mindless, insincere, vague greetings you’ve heard? Have any responses ideas that you want to share? Leave a comment (click the word comment directly below this post) and I’ll post the best of them in an upcoming post!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
$6 - 6 days DAY 6 Keep Soap alive
Looks like the best (or worst) has been saved for last yet again! My last dive into the pool of philanthropy, if you can call it that, was into the deep end. It had been 3 weeks and in that 3 weeks I still had my $6 in my pocket and hadn’t managed to give away a lousy $1. (ok for those of you who must be precise I only have $5 in my pocket because of the early on walk-by snatching) So for my last act of charity I decided that I would go for the guaranteed giveaway…
There are approximately 35,094 homeless individuals in NYC as of January 2008 as reported by the City Of New York and those are only the ones who can be counted at the various and growing number of shelters throughout the city. I can only imagine how many more there must be who never make it to a shelter, or get turned away at the door because there simply isn’t anymore room.
I think they should start including Port Authority in their census because I think I know where all the rest of the homeless go when the shelters are full…
In the early morning hours the lines for the bathroom are longer than the lines for the buses. While I do appreciate the effort, there is only so much you can get done at the sink in a bathroom the size of my cubicle at work (and it’s not a big cubicle) and one of those midget hotel soaps. (why DO they make the soap so damn small in hotels?)
So I decided that however insignificant I was going to make something happen with my $6 so I took a trip to the Rite Aid (that’s a drug store for those of you who may not be from around here) across the street and purchased 6 bars of their finest Irish Spring!
I worked my way through the crowd like a salmon swimming upstream (NYC residents are not the most polite or mannered folks at all times) and made my way to the bathroom. As I fully expected there were 3 gentlemen engaged in their morning ritual of transforming the bathroom into some kind of oddball day spa (complete with fountain because one of the stall toilets was clogged). So without pomp or circumstance I simply laid a bar of soap in front of each of them on the sink, left the 3 extras and smiled and took my leave.
Now I have no idea what the men thought, or what the reaction was so there is no funny story to tell or an ensuing adventure. Not a curse word or a question just one human giving to another human simply because. So know that the next time you pass a homeless man in NYC and he has that surprisingly fresh and clean as a whistle scent that my $6 did not go to waste on some frivolous purchase, but rather went to helping someone if even in a miniscule way.
This little experiment of mine has given me some new and interesting insights not least among them that suspicion and paranoia has grown to the point that we can no longer accept kindness for fear of the unknown always waiting for “the catch”. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing in this world we live in. I will leave that for you to decide for yourself.
There are approximately 35,094 homeless individuals in NYC as of January 2008 as reported by the City Of New York and those are only the ones who can be counted at the various and growing number of shelters throughout the city. I can only imagine how many more there must be who never make it to a shelter, or get turned away at the door because there simply isn’t anymore room.
I think they should start including Port Authority in their census because I think I know where all the rest of the homeless go when the shelters are full…
In the early morning hours the lines for the bathroom are longer than the lines for the buses. While I do appreciate the effort, there is only so much you can get done at the sink in a bathroom the size of my cubicle at work (and it’s not a big cubicle) and one of those midget hotel soaps. (why DO they make the soap so damn small in hotels?)
So I decided that however insignificant I was going to make something happen with my $6 so I took a trip to the Rite Aid (that’s a drug store for those of you who may not be from around here) across the street and purchased 6 bars of their finest Irish Spring!
I worked my way through the crowd like a salmon swimming upstream (NYC residents are not the most polite or mannered folks at all times) and made my way to the bathroom. As I fully expected there were 3 gentlemen engaged in their morning ritual of transforming the bathroom into some kind of oddball day spa (complete with fountain because one of the stall toilets was clogged). So without pomp or circumstance I simply laid a bar of soap in front of each of them on the sink, left the 3 extras and smiled and took my leave.
Now I have no idea what the men thought, or what the reaction was so there is no funny story to tell or an ensuing adventure. Not a curse word or a question just one human giving to another human simply because. So know that the next time you pass a homeless man in NYC and he has that surprisingly fresh and clean as a whistle scent that my $6 did not go to waste on some frivolous purchase, but rather went to helping someone if even in a miniscule way.
This little experiment of mine has given me some new and interesting insights not least among them that suspicion and paranoia has grown to the point that we can no longer accept kindness for fear of the unknown always waiting for “the catch”. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing in this world we live in. I will leave that for you to decide for yourself.
Monday, March 17, 2008
$6 - 6 Days Day 5 - Sttranger
By popular demand this wonderfully insightful series shall conclude solely with strangers. Sorry family, but you were deemed too boring to participate (not my opinion…well…not totally).
Location: Times Square – NYC
Times Square – the official home of New Year’s Eve in the Western Hemisphere. The place where the ball drops! The home to Broadway with more singing and dancing per square foot than anyplace on Earth! The Crossroads of the World and generally a meeting place for every walk of life weirdo you can think of…from naked cowboys to the guy dressed strictly in toilet paper rolls. If it can be seen, you can probably find it in Times Square.
Most importantly, Times Square is the location of my next giveaway adventure. Things began as simply as they have in the past…the conversation went like this:
Me:”Excuse me sir, this is for you.”
Him: “What is this?”
Me: “It’s a dollar”
Him: “What’s it for?”
Me: “You can buy things with it here in America” (by the way…he was obviously American, but sometimes I can’t help myself but be a smart!@#)
Him: “Why do you want to give it to me?”
Me: “Why not you?” (the classic answer a question with a question when you don’t have a good answer)
Him: “Did I ask for a dollar?” (What’s with all the questions man!? Geez!)
Me: “No”
Him: “Did I drop it?”
Me: “No”
Him: “Where did it come from?” (at this point I debated telling him a story of how the mommy dollar meets the daddy dollar and then continue to explain the monetary birds and bees, but I held my tongue)
Me: “My pocket”
Him: “I do not want it” (at this point he begins walking a bit faster putting distance between us faster than Eliot Spitzer running from a brothel)
Me: “Sir please I want you to have this dollar. If you change your mind I’m right behind you”
So now I’m raising my voice in the street and have officially become one of Times Squares’ weirdos myself. Another dollar denied and I think I’m starting to form a rejection complex. They say all you need is a dollar and a dream. Apparently in NY you only need your dreams.
Location: Times Square – NYC
Times Square – the official home of New Year’s Eve in the Western Hemisphere. The place where the ball drops! The home to Broadway with more singing and dancing per square foot than anyplace on Earth! The Crossroads of the World and generally a meeting place for every walk of life weirdo you can think of…from naked cowboys to the guy dressed strictly in toilet paper rolls. If it can be seen, you can probably find it in Times Square.
Most importantly, Times Square is the location of my next giveaway adventure. Things began as simply as they have in the past…the conversation went like this:
Me:”Excuse me sir, this is for you.”
Him: “What is this?”
Me: “It’s a dollar”
Him: “What’s it for?”
Me: “You can buy things with it here in America” (by the way…he was obviously American, but sometimes I can’t help myself but be a smart!@#)
Him: “Why do you want to give it to me?”
Me: “Why not you?” (the classic answer a question with a question when you don’t have a good answer)
Him: “Did I ask for a dollar?” (What’s with all the questions man!? Geez!)
Me: “No”
Him: “Did I drop it?”
Me: “No”
Him: “Where did it come from?” (at this point I debated telling him a story of how the mommy dollar meets the daddy dollar and then continue to explain the monetary birds and bees, but I held my tongue)
Me: “My pocket”
Him: “I do not want it” (at this point he begins walking a bit faster putting distance between us faster than Eliot Spitzer running from a brothel)
Me: “Sir please I want you to have this dollar. If you change your mind I’m right behind you”
So now I’m raising my voice in the street and have officially become one of Times Squares’ weirdos myself. Another dollar denied and I think I’m starting to form a rejection complex. They say all you need is a dollar and a dream. Apparently in NY you only need your dreams.
Monday, March 10, 2008
$6 - 6 days - Day 4 - Stranger
Sing along if you know the tune:
Strangers in the night, exchanging…curse words?!?
Well, I figured public transportation was so good to me last time…why buck the trend?
My destination – the NYC subway system
My subject – the first person that I find standing asking for a swipe
Now for those of you who aren’t from the NYC area “a swipe” is the $2 fare to ride the subway system that is on a card called a MetroCard that you swipe through a scanner to operate the turnstile. Now inevitably if you ride enough trains there will be someone who has fallen about $2 short of this $2 fare and now would like you to swipe them through on your card, or simply give them $2 just because they are standing there and asked. The approaches can be different. Some try the simple “Can I get a swipe?” Some try the more sophisticated approach “Perhaps you could allow me to pass through on your card?” as if good sentence structure alone is worth $2!
Well, as luck would have it I ran smack into one of these “transportationally challenged” (I’m introducing a new PC phrase right there) individuals. He was currently employing the straightforward approach and stuck with “”lemme get a swipe on ya card brother.” Not so much a question as a statement between two old friends. Being that I didn’t recognize him as anyone I knew, my first New Yorker instinct was to keep it moving past him. Then I remembered…I have a dollar to give anyhow. So this time my random act of charity was offered with the silent approach. I took out my dollar and handed it over. That’s when the real fun began…
“Thanks brother…God bless you!” was the initial reaction. Then my blessing quickly became a curse. Actually, it became several choice curse words.
“What the (F-bomb) is this (Male cow feces)?!?!” “What the (H-E-double hockey sticks) is this?...You tryna be funny?! It’s TWO dollars for the train…you’s a funny (not so nice African-American man)”
Then my automated New Yorker Aggressive Response System kicked in and I gave him a few “(people who have sex with other peoples mothers)” and a couple “you ungrateful (male child of a female dog)!”
Then I snatched my dollar back…yelled “catch the next one (female dog)!” and went on my way.
Ok, so I forgot about the experiment there for a second…it happens.
Strangers in the night, exchanging…curse words?!?
Well, I figured public transportation was so good to me last time…why buck the trend?
My destination – the NYC subway system
My subject – the first person that I find standing asking for a swipe
Now for those of you who aren’t from the NYC area “a swipe” is the $2 fare to ride the subway system that is on a card called a MetroCard that you swipe through a scanner to operate the turnstile. Now inevitably if you ride enough trains there will be someone who has fallen about $2 short of this $2 fare and now would like you to swipe them through on your card, or simply give them $2 just because they are standing there and asked. The approaches can be different. Some try the simple “Can I get a swipe?” Some try the more sophisticated approach “Perhaps you could allow me to pass through on your card?” as if good sentence structure alone is worth $2!
Well, as luck would have it I ran smack into one of these “transportationally challenged” (I’m introducing a new PC phrase right there) individuals. He was currently employing the straightforward approach and stuck with “”lemme get a swipe on ya card brother.” Not so much a question as a statement between two old friends. Being that I didn’t recognize him as anyone I knew, my first New Yorker instinct was to keep it moving past him. Then I remembered…I have a dollar to give anyhow. So this time my random act of charity was offered with the silent approach. I took out my dollar and handed it over. That’s when the real fun began…
“Thanks brother…God bless you!” was the initial reaction. Then my blessing quickly became a curse. Actually, it became several choice curse words.
“What the (F-bomb) is this (Male cow feces)?!?!” “What the (H-E-double hockey sticks) is this?...You tryna be funny?! It’s TWO dollars for the train…you’s a funny (not so nice African-American man)”
Then my automated New Yorker Aggressive Response System kicked in and I gave him a few “(people who have sex with other peoples mothers)” and a couple “you ungrateful (male child of a female dog)!”
Then I snatched my dollar back…yelled “catch the next one (female dog)!” and went on my way.
Ok, so I forgot about the experiment there for a second…it happens.
Friday, March 07, 2008
$6 - 6 days - Day 3 - Stranger
Well, day 3 and 4 have been insightful to say the least.
I have now been able to verify two facts:
1) The word “strangers” has STRANGE in it for a reason
2) The freaks actually DO come out at night
Stranger #1
Approx. 6:30pm – Port Authority Bus Terminal – NYC
For those of you not familiar with the NYC area…Port Authority (affectionately called ‘PA’ by the locals) is one of the 3 main public transportation hubs (excluding airports) that connect NYC to the world. In other words….it’s the bus station. More importantly it’s where I decided to commit my third random act of charity with my first stranger.
It was a dark and stormy night…OK it was still a little light out, but it was raining. I am on my way home on the dreaded 2 hour bus commute from PA that has come to define my existence. As my luck would usually have it I had the pleasure of having a rather full figured, or perhaps to be politically correct I should refer to her as “horizontally challenged”, older woman who chose to be my traveling partner.
I’d like to take a moment to thank God for being so good at what he does and not making me allergic to fake fur because this lady had on everything fake fur you can imagine. Fake fur coat, fake fur hat, fake fur gloves, fake fur covered boots. She looked like America’s Next Top Yeti (Bigfoot for those of you who don’t know his government name). Excuse me, I digress. SO, I decided to make the most of this unfortunate circumstance and include my furry companion in my little experiment. Once again, I opted for the short, sweet, and simple approach. “I love your outfit,” I lied. “Here’s a dollar for you.” Here’s where things got a bit uncomfortable….
She looked at the dollar…looked at me…looked at the dollar…and then in her very much outside voice said “what kind of woman do you think I am?!” “Do I look like I need your little dollar…this is fox!” (now I’m no fur expert, but her fox looked a lot like the rim of the hood of my Northface ski jacket and that ain’t fox). I now have the attention of all 54 other passengers on the bus so being the quick witted fellow that I’m not I stammered out a quick “Ok…so… give it back!” to which she replied “No...now I’m going to keep your dollar to teach you a lesson!”
And herein I think lies a lesson for us all. If you don’t want to spend two hours next to an angry Yeti and wake up from your bus nap with a mouth full of faux…excuse me…fox…fur keep your dollar in your pocket and your little experiments to yourself. I can’t wait for the next stranger…
I have now been able to verify two facts:
1) The word “strangers” has STRANGE in it for a reason
2) The freaks actually DO come out at night
Stranger #1
Approx. 6:30pm – Port Authority Bus Terminal – NYC
For those of you not familiar with the NYC area…Port Authority (affectionately called ‘PA’ by the locals) is one of the 3 main public transportation hubs (excluding airports) that connect NYC to the world. In other words….it’s the bus station. More importantly it’s where I decided to commit my third random act of charity with my first stranger.
It was a dark and stormy night…OK it was still a little light out, but it was raining. I am on my way home on the dreaded 2 hour bus commute from PA that has come to define my existence. As my luck would usually have it I had the pleasure of having a rather full figured, or perhaps to be politically correct I should refer to her as “horizontally challenged”, older woman who chose to be my traveling partner.
I’d like to take a moment to thank God for being so good at what he does and not making me allergic to fake fur because this lady had on everything fake fur you can imagine. Fake fur coat, fake fur hat, fake fur gloves, fake fur covered boots. She looked like America’s Next Top Yeti (Bigfoot for those of you who don’t know his government name). Excuse me, I digress. SO, I decided to make the most of this unfortunate circumstance and include my furry companion in my little experiment. Once again, I opted for the short, sweet, and simple approach. “I love your outfit,” I lied. “Here’s a dollar for you.” Here’s where things got a bit uncomfortable….
She looked at the dollar…looked at me…looked at the dollar…and then in her very much outside voice said “what kind of woman do you think I am?!” “Do I look like I need your little dollar…this is fox!” (now I’m no fur expert, but her fox looked a lot like the rim of the hood of my Northface ski jacket and that ain’t fox). I now have the attention of all 54 other passengers on the bus so being the quick witted fellow that I’m not I stammered out a quick “Ok…so… give it back!” to which she replied “No...now I’m going to keep your dollar to teach you a lesson!”
And herein I think lies a lesson for us all. If you don’t want to spend two hours next to an angry Yeti and wake up from your bus nap with a mouth full of faux…excuse me…fox…fur keep your dollar in your pocket and your little experiments to yourself. I can’t wait for the next stranger…
Monday, March 03, 2008
$6 - 6 Days - Day 1 & Day 2 - Co-workers
Well the experiment is underway! The approach was subtle: "Here's a dollar for you." Short, simple, and to the point. For some reason this subdued approach set off a storm of questions. Apparently free money...is suspicious money.
"Is this a real dollar?" (FYI it cost more than $1 to counterfeit money...thats why most people only counterfeit $20's or better)
"Is this drug money?" (If it was drug money would I be giving it to you...)
"Do I have to take something off now?" (Don't project your stripper fantasies on me...go fill out an application)
"What do I do with this?" (it's a dollar...figure it out)
So after the first two days the results stand at 2 dollars offered...2 dollars given back. Well, one dollar given back. The second dollar upon being given back was grabbed by another passing co-worker who said, without slowing down, "If she doesn't want it..I'll take it!"
So the revised score is 2 dollars given...1 dollar given back...1 dollar stolen.
Next up...strangers!
"Is this a real dollar?" (FYI it cost more than $1 to counterfeit money...thats why most people only counterfeit $20's or better)
"Is this drug money?" (If it was drug money would I be giving it to you...)
"Do I have to take something off now?" (Don't project your stripper fantasies on me...go fill out an application)
"What do I do with this?" (it's a dollar...figure it out)
So after the first two days the results stand at 2 dollars offered...2 dollars given back. Well, one dollar given back. The second dollar upon being given back was grabbed by another passing co-worker who said, without slowing down, "If she doesn't want it..I'll take it!"
So the revised score is 2 dollars given...1 dollar given back...1 dollar stolen.
Next up...strangers!
Friday, February 29, 2008
I'm Giving Away Money!!!
I am constantly fascinated with the how’s, the why’s, and the what-for’s of the world (guess it’s just the nerd in me). I’m also very intrigued by people’s reactions to the world around them. So in my ongoing pursuit of useless knowledge I’ve decided to conduct a social experiment. Now before you start rolling your eyes and twisting your neck (you know who you are) I realize this is not an original idea. There have been other social experiments before this. The so-called “reality” TV shows like Big Brother, the original “lets-get-a-whole-bunch-of-nutty-folks-and-have-them-occupy-the-same-space-and-see-how-many-fake-things-we-can-make-up” Real World, or most recently…damned near any show that comes on VH1. Before any of the million dollar homes to house these loons were built there existed another larger place where reality was, and is, actually real. They call it…NY. The Big Apple, the Gateway to the Western World, and probably one of the largest and most diverse collection of weirdos from all walks of life.
This will be my “house” and the characters are anyone and everyone. The experiment shall be called…
6 Dollars For 6 Days!
THE GOAL: Witness the reactions of 1 person a day for 6 days when I offer to give them $1 with no explanation as to why. How will they react, how will they feel, will I get shot?!
THE CHARACTERS: 2 Friends/family, 2 co-workers, and most interestingly… 2 complete strangers
Stay tuned for the ongoing results and keep your eye on the news the next victim may just be me.
This will be my “house” and the characters are anyone and everyone. The experiment shall be called…
6 Dollars For 6 Days!
THE GOAL: Witness the reactions of 1 person a day for 6 days when I offer to give them $1 with no explanation as to why. How will they react, how will they feel, will I get shot?!
THE CHARACTERS: 2 Friends/family, 2 co-workers, and most interestingly… 2 complete strangers
Stay tuned for the ongoing results and keep your eye on the news the next victim may just be me.
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